Feminism, lies, artificiality

I want to write about random things. Having a lot in mind.

One, feminism. My editor says I am a feminist. The mere word woman seems to bring my spirits up. I didn’t realize I was so proud to be one. Any issue concerning a woman comes and I stand and fight for her justice – well at least in words. But recently there came occasions that made me wonder. On woman’s day a friend called me to volunteer for a rally. I went happily until I heard that they are a group called Feminists Kerala Network. Which meant that I too will be identified as a feminist. Somehow I found myself not wanting that. The word feminist is one of the most misunderstood or confusing words in any language. Nobody knows exactly what it means but most people seem to hate it. They twitch, they wince, they frown, they scorn. I was in 2 minds. Was my problem that I did not know if I was a feminist or that I was unhappy about the typical image people would associate a feminist with. If it is the latter, then shame on me. Since when do I go by what impressions people make of me?

But somehow, at least by way of self-defence, my argument is that feminism is not something to proclaim or demonstrate. I somehow am not in favour of demonstrations. Yes I have faith in women’s powers and talents. And yes I cant stand any kind of injustice or even a small bit of differential treatment that she has to go through because she is a woman. I hate the line ‘you do it cause you are a woman’. But what I do about it is where I differ from the ways chosen by my rally friends. I don’t go out and make a speech about it. I just don’t take what I cant stand. I act, I react. I don’t bother to convince or persuade or insist or prove.

Leaving feminism incomplete since I will probably never reach anywhere. I probably am a feminist. But I don’t know when will come the day when I accept it and not flinch on being identified as one, when I would realize that there is nothing to be ashamed of being what you are.

Second thing. Lies. I already did a post on this long back. But I am increasingly feeling the pressure of keeping to truth and tolerating lies. If my obsession for truth is a disease, then I am getting sicker everyday. Not only that I refuse to lie for anyone’s sake, I cant stand it when people around me lie so easily. I don’t react but each time it happens, it puts this huge distance between those people and me. I can never be close with them. I can never talk to them personally. If you cant own your acts, then you do not have any kind of character. If you did wrong, accept it and then face the consequences. What do you get by some temporary lies – save your neck for a while – by? By tricking others. Making them believe a lie is true. And you are happy. You have escaped. I hate the pretence. I hate the cheap thrill of getting away with a lie. End of the day, a lie is a lie and the one that lied, a liar.

My dad and I used to argue over the importance of truth. He would tell an example: if a girl is chased by some rowdies and you see where she went and hid, would you tell the rowdies the truth? What will you tell them if they ask you did you see the girl. Well if its rowdies I am going to be beaten up whatever I say. So I could tell the truth: “yeah I saw but there is no way you are getting it out of me” – bam bam bam. Or I could tell: “no I didn’t see her” – bam bam bam – worse they may decide here is another girl to steal from and attack me.

Dad’s example is not the kind I argue about. Where my blood boils is when people make mistakes and cover it up with lies to save their little skin, and when people have absolutely no hesitation about telling a hundred little lies just to have things their way.

My friend Deepak would laugh sometimes.

“I want a leave” say I. “Tell you have some stomach trouble”, says he. “Oh I forgot you cant lie”, says he again.

Another abrupt stop. Cause its again another topic I could write pages about. Going to my third topic hence – artificiality. This is more or less related to lies in fact. It is just as bad. Artificiality is not always pretence. People do it not even thinking about it sometimes cause they are so used to it. They show “extra” concern, “extra” care. Some poor devils mistake it for real. One shiny day they realize all those extras meant nothing more than the boss’s sweet grin and polished talk before he tells you your salary is not here yet. The extras are to get something done. Or else just to please. Whatever it is for, it is just not real. And my problem is I have become mature enough to know all its symptoms. And I just cant stand one artificial word, or gesture or even a smile. Do it only if you mean it. Otherwise please don’t bother!

On the move

Moving is a funny thing. You think there is nothing more dull and mechanical than packing and moving a pile of your stuff. But if you do the packing yourself, and you are one of those sentimental types who keeps memories from yesteryears locked in shelves, then you are in for it – one of those really long memory rides that each letter or memoir or photo brings… who says there is no time machine. Your mind is the best time machine ever. It takes you to places, faces and times you completely forgot about. “Wow did I really do that… oh yes it was on that day…”

You literally relive those moments and you experience the emotion you did all those years ago. Whether it be happiness or gloom or hurt or excitement – you feel it like it just happened. And then you are left feeling really miserable. That’s when your time machine brings you back. You are sad the moment is long gone by. You are sad you are not that age anymore. You are not in that place and not with those people and not doing or feeling what you used to. You miss it. Funny thing is you had not thought about it all this while. And that’s when you realize with a pang – you grew up.

I have always thought that I was more or less the same for at least 10 years. But now I know I have changed – can’t say if it’s for the better or for the worse. When I see the letters I wrote, the diaries I penned, the way I thought… oh boy whatever happened to me in all these years. Even my handwriting was so different back in school. Sheesh what a horrible handwriting – my poor teachers. Now I write like a KG student in big round letters. Maturity shows in strange ways sometimes.

I somehow felt a yearning to go back to being the old me. But I want to keep some part of what I am now. Well the easier practical way would be to change now. And that’s where the problem is. I can’t.

Do people keep changing all their life? Or is there some saturation point? I have a feeling I have reached my SP. I mean what more can change? Looks of course will. I am expecting a good number of gray hairs by age 30 and a few wrinkles by 40. Hope to remain more or less slim throughout. But looks apart, can the character graph deviate any further? Can attitude? Can opinions? One hears of old people not ready to put away their prejudices cause their thoughts and faiths go too deep. Your thoughts grow deeper with you. When you are young, you keep taking it up and polishing it. But later you just let it rust or fix it so tight that you cant as much as touch it.

People are not what they used to be to you. You are not what you used to be to them…

And the thought processes. The most number of advices I have given is to my friend Gov. He knows them all so well he would finish my lines. “I tell you Gov, when a girl is 18….,” I say and he interrupts – “I know, she is mature and knows everything but a guy takes longer.”

Another favorite dialogue was on love. “Ah what boys feel at this age is nothing but infatuation. When you grow older you feel different. You won’t understand that now.”
I honestly believed that. Most of the thoughts I used to preach were more or less the same I do now. But back then I used logic after hearing stories. Now I use experience.

I still can’t decide when a person actually becomes the person he/she is for the major part of life. I mean when does a person become complete? I don’t mean elements like job, and marriage. I just mean literally – when?

Whoever said dwelling too much in your past is a bad thing? It makes you think, it makes you smile, it makes you emotional, it makes you wonder, it makes you philosophical and more than anything else, it makes you a human.

Marriage thoughts

My marriage thoughts… again.

I don’t believe in marriage because I don’t believe that relationships always last. Love is good at first, when you (think you) are just falling into it. That’s the time when you think this is it and you want to be with each other forever and ever. But soon, things change, the person you are with changes, the love itself changes and the relationship starts cracking. I like to see it as a closed space that starts sending tremors. Most people pretend not to see the cracks and hold on to the last few things in the closed space until they are blown away in the end.

I am tired of hearing clichéd terms like “adjustments”. I am not an adjusting person, period. If you adjust, you should be happy about doing it (I know – “if you really love someone, then you would be happy about doing it for them” – Blah!). If not, each adjustment, or each time you give up on things, it only adds to your frustrations. All of it finally reaches the neck bottom and boom – it explodes. And that’s it.

I will agree there are a lot of good feelings in it. If you could enjoy a relationship like you do an ice-cream and then forget about it, it’s fine. But it is not a temporary stop you could leave. It is going to be painful. And if I know it is going to be painful, then why would I go into it? I am so happy without it.

This is not because I saw or experienced a few relationships fail or base my thoughts on my limited experiences. It is something I have observed about the whole world. And I just don’t believe relationships last. Ignore the outer marks of commitment and go in and you will find it is more than often a just-for-sake deal to keep the family together. No love. If no love, then why marriage?

Its been proved that you cant always keep both ambition and marriage together. Look at Sudha Murthy. She may not have had a problem keeping aside ambition for marriage. I just meant you have to agree that choosing marriage may very well kick out the other big dreams from your life. Many people would say they don’t mind and their first priority is ‘the family’. Agreed. So for those who do mind, marriage is not a good option. Cause they may want to pursue other dreams as well, so they better not get married. Unless they keep marriage aside for a while but that becomes a taboo. So marriage is a choice. It depends on what you want more. Would have been a happy world if you could remain married and still do all things you wanted all at the same time. That aint practical, that aint happening; so forget preaching idealistic theories that don’t work.

I am ready to change my mind about relationships lasting. I am yet to see a real one that does. But I am sticking to my stand that marriage is always a choice, and not a compulsory stage in life!

As for me, I just like to live uncontrolled, be lazy, roam and not worry about keeping an account of where I go and what I do each second of my life – no plans, no preparations. Just wake up and live each day as it comes, as you feel like. Not a pathetic wanna-be-free talk, just a simple fact people somehow seem to shudder at and despise when they hear.