And a goodie person I will be!

Just when you think you could stretch your legs out and relax, “boom” goes something just around the corner – isnt this an all-too-well-known scenario? Yup thats what we call life!
I am not saying life is full of misery. Nope. I used to imagine it as this well-balanced thing-with goodies hanging on one side and baddies of an equal weight on the other. I am not sure how far this is true.
And it differs-the goodies and baddies that is. A thing I consider a baddie might be a I-dont-carie for another.

Now I dont want to be a completely indifferent kind of person. But I dont like to be an over-sensitive one either-one who has tears flowing out on every bad word she thinks she heard!
I have taken this decision, more of an oath, like countless number of times before but I am taking it again-I have to be a good human being- one who is always willing to help another, one whom everybody likes to be with, one hell of a listener (I have found that people often prefer a listener more than a talker), just be the best person one could be! It should be a hard thing to be a good human being how else can I keep forgetting the decision again and again. Memory should be the problem. Hmmm maybe I should set a reminder every morning that says “Be a good person today. Dont forget”. And maybe after some days I will be! Hmmm should seriously try that!

Ok now coming back to the life that falls “boom” around the corner-I have a feeling it is connected with you being a good person. Not that miseries are a kind of punishment for the bad things you have done. No, I mean it somehow helps. If you have a good and clear mind, things will be a lot easier. Sad things will still be sad but you atleast have a clear mind to deal with it.Right?

So next time someone asks “What do you wanna be?”
I say “I wanna be a goodie person!”

Go Cris Go!

How to make a bad thing a good thing is the topic of the day.
I have read in a book about how the author has come out of really bad situations and made the better out of it. I have absolutely no idea how he does that cause anything bad that happens to me puts me really down. It only makes me worse and go down to a deeper pit of misery. Dont know if you say that, but well it sounded good.

Sometimes memories of a bad day takes a very long time to go away. And though you may get over it, looking back at the day always brings a gloom. Atleast it does to me. I could think of things that happend more than 10 years back and stil worry about it for hours- maybe silly things people said that hurt me..
Something that happened last week- it was really bad as far as I am concerned- I dont cry about it now. But thinking about it always seems to put me real down. I think of each and every little thing said on that day that brought about these feelings. They help me be weaker and sadder! Then why the hell do I keep thinking of it! Thats human I guess!

I know I should make the better out of it. And not be discouraged. Its just hard sometimes.. Well the thing is you have become emotionally down. So though you work on it and try to change things, you feel something pulling you down inside. The first step is to come out of it. Easier said than done. Just keep working on it. Someday you might come out a winner. Only I wonder if you can be happy about the winning then. I dont want to be a total pessimist but some words never go away. That sucks! I wish it did! But the day you feel atlast-I-reached-there, you might hear all those words in your ears again and feel like you are still where you started from. I hope that doesnt happen.

Its just that when people seemed to have already formed an impression about you and you feel so wronged, you would just feel like shouting, “Hey thats not the real me, this is!”. I mean if they hated you for what you really are, it was alright.

Well there you have it-thats life. Not full of chocolates n ice-creams or something like that, like someone had said before. You gotta just imagine imaginary chocolates n ice creams. But dont try grabbing them all cause you will be disappointed. And you cant just close your eyes against spinach and lettuce and all the other dumb vegetables you hate. After you have them, just try to find your way out to the next chocolate.
Sheesh all that food-talk was dumb and its making me hungry.

But I am not going to eat now. Feel like talking more. Ahhh whats the use. I would just repeat myself. I will just go try to sleep and forget about all this. But what might really happen is I would ponder over it for a long time, and keep worrying till I can find the TV remote control and watch a good music channel 😀
Sigh! I really should be more serious!! Hmmm! Thats what people advice me! It doesnt mean I need to be this high-headed (is there a word like that?), smiling-with-a-one-sided-curve-of-lips, raised-brow person. I can be serious with what I do and still crack jokes and be as silly as I want. I should do that! I know that! Hmmmm! Go Cris go! Hey I need some encouragement here! Some boosting! So join me Mr Blog. 1..2…3…together now Go Cris go!!!!! And here I go….

Sufi’s dream

Sufi didnt know if there was anything in recurring dreams. She didnt want to ask her friends. First she thought she imagined it. But then as she woke up each day, she knew she was right.
At first, it was exciting. She couldnt wait to tell her friends. But then she thought she will have some fun herself. The real reason, though she didnt want to admit it, being the fear that telling another might stop it from coming true some day..
After a few days she started observing the moon trying to seek the answers there.. somehow the dream started to terrify her now..

There was nothing unsual about the dream. It was the usual dream about some knight coming as every 16-year old might have. Well the idea of a knight seems pretty old now. What Sufi actually saw was a guy in jeans and a red T Shirt walking towards her as she sat in the beach wearing a white frock. But she didnt know him coming. He was coming from behind her. He looked amazing. At first she thought he was the best looking creature ever… but later his eyes, somehow seemed scary. The smile she thought was beautiful now seemed to have a different meaning. What was he coming for…. for she always woke up before he reached her..

Looking at the moon always eased her mind. She had this feeling Syon might be looking at the moon the same time. Syon- what a weird name! And she came up with it! She somehow knew. She couldnt remember when she started calling him that.
The moon seemed to smile at her and asked her to wait for the day.
“Yes, but will that be a good day for me?” She used to ask. And somehow the Moon seemed silent then.

She knew she shouldnt behave any different cause she didnt want her Parents to take her to some dumb Doc. She did not like Doctors!
“They are all mean” she would say.

4th of July came and her Mom insisted she should wear this new white frock she got for her. She did not like the dresses and skirts her Mom got for her. Mom did not like her wearing jeans.
“They are not at all feminine dear! A girl must look like a girl I say!”

Despising it, she wore the frock. But as she watched herself in the mirror, she liked it. She felt herself looking pretty after years! She had always thought she looked ugly, not like Jerrisa, her next-door neighbor who looked so pretty all the time and all the boys seemed to like her too.

As she looked on, she remembered! Horror struck her! This was the very same dress she saw in her dreams.. this cant be! This cant be the day! Oh no..She was not prepared for it. Well she still had time to change it and she didnt ever have to wear it again. But then… then what? Wait for ever for the dream to stop? Did she want to know what happened after Syon came to her? One part of her did and one part didnt.. Well like you see in cartoons, a Sufi with horns beat up the Sufi with a halo and finally she decided to wear the frock. Not that she felt it was devilish, but she had a feeling this was going to be the most daring thing she ever did.

She knew this was going to be the day when Jerrisa appeared with a bunch of friends and suggested “Beach”. She felt her heart beating faster as the moments passed. When her friends stood chatting, she saw the spot where she sat in the dream. She hesitated. Things had to take her there. She cant simply walk into it.. Thats when Loyd appeared at the exact spot with a couple of friends and Jerrisa who held an everlasting crush for him wasted no time in running to him. The other girls followed her. Slowly, Sufi started walking. Panic struck her. Her friends were all laughing over some joke. But she didnt hear any of it. This wont do. The girl in her dreams was happy. She didnt see the face but she knew it had to be a happy face. Oh well.. There was time. She was not even alone yet.

Soon enough, her friends had left her for a game of throwball. She never liked the game. After one terrible fall as a kid, with the ball hitting her in the head, she has said goodbye to the game. She was alone now but she forgot that for a minute as she watched 2 kids trying to make a sand castle. They did a terrible job of it. She found herself laughing as the smaller one of them tried to do something with it and got his hand stuck in the sand. Thats when she heard a voice behind her.
“Sufi?”
Without thinking she turned.
“Syon” she gasped..
They looked at each other for one long minute.

He sat down beside her. She cast one glance at him. He was looking at the sea. He was wearing the same red T Shirt and jeans she knew he would. What was going on? The suspense was killing her. She had to talk.
“I saw you in my dreams!”
He turned to look at her. He seemed to be amused at what she was saying. He smiled, the same way he did in her dreams.
“And?”
Wow she never heard his voice before. It sounded, well it sounded quite normal but to her it seemed God-like! Everything had to be perfect. This was her dream coming true!
“And thats all. I saw this scene. Uhh you wore the same shirt”
He smiled again. What did that mean? Why wasnt he saying anything?
“Did you have the same dream too Syon?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you did! How else would all this happen? How would you know my name”
“You are right. I thought it was a dumb dream until I saw the face of the girl in white frock”
“Ohhh you saw my face? I never reached that part”
“I did… the prettiest thing I have ever seen”
She felt herself blush.
“What happens now? What does it mean? Should we tell someone about this? Like a dream expert or something”
“Haha dream expert? Hmm no. I dont want this to go out”
“So what do we do? I cant believe this! I feel like jumping up and down… Weeee”
“Hahaha. Let me help you up”
And without another word, he lifted her up in his hands. She attempted to resist but she was laughing.

Her friends stopped playing and looked. She waved at them. They were stunned. They waved back.
The 2 of them walked towards the sea. They didnt say much but it seemed just right not to.
He asked “What if all this turns out to be a dream?”
“Then I dont want to wake up”

“Missssss”
Sufi opened her eyes. She looked around. It was the beach. Jerrisa and the others were playing. She must have dozed off as she sat there.. None of it happened.. No Syon came..And she so wished the dream was true..
She looked at the fellow who called her up.
“Sorry to have woken you up Miss but that was my bag you were sleeping on”
She wondered for a moment. Syon? No. This was one long haired guy in a blue T Shirt. He didnt look like a knight.
“Oh sorry here you are”
“Thanks Miss. Mind if I sit here for a minute”
“Not at all”
“Peter. Peter Caine” He held out his hands.
“Sufi James” They shook hands.
“That your friends?”
“Yeah”
“You dont like playing ball?”
“No, not really”
“Same here!”
“Haha seriously?! I thought all boys liked it”
“Well sometimes I need to pretend to”
“Haha you are funny. Hey is that Arthur Conan Doyle?”
She pointed at a book coming out of his bag.
“Yeah. You read?”
“Do I? All the time!”
“Cool! So do I”
Sufi found that she liked this cool long haired guy though he didnt tell her she was pretty. It was so easy to talk to him.
They chatted on… about books, about school, about their lives..

As they chatted on, laughing, Sufi felt stupid to have believed in some dumb dream. And she felt it was just great the way things turned out.. She didnt notice the guy in a jeans and red T Shirt walking towards her from behind. He had a smile on his face and his eyes were glowing…

Good at what?

Good eveniing Good evening!
We meet again Mr Blog!

Mere hath mein….
Thats not me talking in Hindi dont worry 🙂 for I know that you, like me are no expert in Hindi! Heheh. This is a song from a Hindi movie, Fanaa. Sounds good. Makes one wish one could sing as good as that. Music is one big gift right Mr Blog? One day, I promise myself, I would sing a song that makes me want to listen to myself again and again. Heheh… did I have to use the word promise? Well I really want to sing.. and my song should flow … like the gentle waves in the sea…slowly…wow! Hmmm wish I could sing like Chitra. Oh that is K S Chitra, a Mallu playback singer. Her voice is just deep and whats the word I am looking for? Helplessly melodious…sad when it has to be… its just perfect…

Ummm… you know this thing people say that everyone is good in something or the other… I have been observing. Some draw, some sing, some dance, some write… and then again there are people who are good at their work- like coding. But coming back to art, lets take drawing.. the way the fingers move… uh there is a scene in the movie Dil Chahta Hein (dont get the wrong impression I am not a Hindi freak! This is one movie I really like though). In this scene, Sid (Akshay Khanna) draws a portrait of Dimple Kabadia and I liked the way he drew the lips. Well the way he painted it. Of course Akshay Khanna didnt actually do the painting. But seeing him rub the paint with his fingers, not with a brush, was kind of inspiring. I would afterwards, imagine myself drawing like that. Well I have this habit of my moving my fingers on surfaces drawing the face of a girl. Good that there is no pen and paper with me all the time. I am not good in drawing, I should say that first. Though I really like the art. Pencil stuff is what I like more. You could draw and then rub with your fingers and give this shading effect. I like that. Eyes filled with tears are what my fingers always seem to be fond of etching. Also they seem to like covering one side of the face with hair (the real intention being to reduce the effort of making both sides symmetrical!)

Coming to the next one- dancing. It may seem like I love everything but cant do anything! But yes, I do love dancing and sigh, am not good in it. Dancing is joy! There is no other word for it. You do it cause you like to do it. You enjoy doing it. Well thats how every form of art is. But when it comes to drawing or singing, I have felt an appreciation from the observers is important as well. It is in the case of dancing too. But somehow it seems more of a self-satisfying thing if you know what I mean. You forget yourself when you dance. And you even enjoy breathing heavily, panting, afterwards… heheh the whole thing is just wonderful…

Oh what was the 4th thing? Writing yes. I will never know how poets do what they do! I know I, for one can never write like that! They should feel so good about it. Being able to write like that.. Certainly a gift it is! And people say a lot of reading helps you write better. That must be true ofcourse. For language. But I feel there is another very important factor that makes a writer what he is. Imagination. People think a writer can write as and when he feels like. Thats not true. Atleast that is my opinion. He works best when his imagination is in full fledge and his pen moves hurriedly, afraid it might lose words his mind comes up with.. I feel one works best when one does not have to put the pen down and try to come up with something to write… Words must flow… Your fingers move with your mind, not a second later…And your mind moves…with your imagination. Now I am not very modest, and I feel imagination is one thing I am good at. Though I cant say the same thing about my writing. Neither can I say all that I imagine are good stuff. But atleast I do spend a lot of time imagining things, scenes never happened, characters I have never known, stories.. most of them without my knowing.. without my taking an effort. Day dreaming? I dont know when I transfer myself from the real world to this world, if you can call it one. Well one thing is for sure. Day dreamers almost never get bored. Their imagination is a constant companion for them. One advice for day dreamers- try not to get lost when you are going somewhere-do watch where you are going!

Hmmm well it must be true. Everyone must be good at something. Maybe it takes time to realise what it is. I sure hope I will soon find out what my line is!

Eyes of Innocence!

Kevin entered the bus and as usual sat on the first free seat he saw in front of him. Lisa looked up and smiled to herself. She almost said aloud “Yes!!!”. Then she noticed Kevin had a bandage on his left hand.
“Jesus! Are you okay?”
Not sure where the voice came from, Kevin gave a surprised glance towards Lisa as if he found it hard to believe she spoke those words.
“Your hand! The bandage looks awful!”
Kevin smiled at this. “Oh that! I burned it on an attempt to get a shirt ironed. Its okay now. I hardly know its there”
Lisa stared at his hand as if she didnt believe he is ok with something as big as that.
“May I know your name please?” Kevin asked.
At this, Lisa decided to take her eyes off the bandage and instead paste it on his. “I am Lisa. Lisa McKinsey”. She beamed like a small child. With the wind from outside making her short hair jump up and down, and the way she smiled, she looked like a child no more than 14. Atleast she did to Kevin.
“I am Kevin. Kevin Arnold”
She smiled and said meekly “I know”
“Hey you are the one who replies to my mails!”, he almost bellowed.
“Yes”
“Oh my God! Seeing the technical stuff I imagined it to be someone a lot older than this! Some kind of a senior person!”
She kept smiling.
He went on. “I suppose you are just out of college? Though you dont look like you are out of school yet!”
At this, a deep pink color rose in her cheeks. It seemed like a bad thing to hear now though she has grown used to being told that.
“I am 2005 batch”
“I thought so. 2006 batch is still writing their exams”
She felt like she has done something wrong.
Seeming to sense her feelings, he said “Hey dont worry! I think its a wonderful thing to preserve in your eyes the innocence you were born with”. He meant that. He was surprised at her honesty, her innocence, her child-like openness. There was something about this girl that made him look at her again and again.
His words seemed to have brightened her up. And as if trying not to make him feel bad she said “You dont look so old yourself”.
“Haha thanks! I appreciate the effort but both of us know I am not young anymore”
“Do we? I mean you cant be that old”
“38 to be specific. And for a 21 year old that is old”
“I will be 22 in 5 months”
“Uhhh arent you growing up fast!”
She chuckled.
Slowly, gaining courage she asked “Are you…married”
She found herself blushing hard. Did it sound that bad?
He smiled. “Well no.”
This seemed to cheer her up so much she actually clapped her hands.
“Wow whats that all about” he asked.
He didnt think anyone could turn more pink. she turned scarlet.
“I just.. I thought..well it sounded like a good thing”
“That a 38 year old is not married? I will never understand you kids!”
She stared at him. Kids! He said kids! He must not have meant her. Noooooo, please! Not that!
He looked at her. She is a kid! A real kid! And she really cant hide her crush on him! He smiled at his thought! A crush on him! Yet, he knew he was right! He could remember his first crush now. The next door neighbor 5 years older to him. Well well..
He turned to look at this little girl who seemed to have entered into his mind so fast. He hasnt talked to her for more than 15 minutes now. But he knew he already liked her. She was young and full of life. And she had a smile that reminded him of his teenage years- no, it reminded him of his childhood- when he used to not hesitate to jump and down when he felt happy or cry as loudly as he wanted to when he got down.
Conversation seemed to have halted. She must be thinking about his calling her kid.
As if reading his thoughts, she said “I dont think 38 is that old”.
He turned to look at her. What was she thinking? He couldnt stop smiling. How long has this girl had a crush on him? Was that why she sent all those mails-though all were purely technical based on the articles he had published. He had replied too, admiring the girl who knew so much. But he imagined her to be a 34 year old, someone who wore glasses and spoke very little. He even thought he would like to have someone like that as his … as his life partner?

The bus had reached his destination.
“Lisa, I am going now.Lisa?”
But she was sleeping. And she looked so pretty. He had an urge to rub her forehead. Without another word, he turned and left.

He expected to see a mail from her that day. There was nothing.
The next day while reading the newspaper, he saw a small column that caught his attention.
Road accident kills software professional. He felt doom coming. He read on. But he did not grasp anything. He only saw 2 words Lisa McKinsey. He lied back in his chair. Somehow he felt he was the reason for this. He had seen her, he could have saved her. But how? Why didnt he just wake her up and ask her to get down with him like he wanted to?

He found his eyes filling up, as he pressed shift+delete against each mail from Lisa McKinsey. He had kept every one of them. He did not want her living here in his inbox. But he knew each word she wrote, she said, is there in his mind. He had fallen in love with the kid long before he saw her. With the kid! He closed his eyes. He could see innocence written all over the face of the kid who was not there in this world anymore. This world, he thought angrily, did not want that kind of innocence living in it anymore. It is cruelly destroyed! He opened his eyes and had a new light in them. He could take it from here. Lisa came to his life to tell him a message. It was upto him to take on what she has left behind.. he saw it in her eyes. He caught it in his.. now he should not throw it back..He knew it. He smiled again. He knew he had in his eyes what he saw in Lisa’s yesterday. And he would pass it on.. Not to one, but to many.. until one day the world had but one pair of eyes-the eyes that spoke of honesty and innocence!

Sigh…sigh…..sigh!!!!!!

Hi Mr Blog,
I dont know how many people talk to their blogs. Well I do! Today seems like a sad day Mr Blog. I dont know if its the law of the universe-that one happy day should always be followed by a sad one. Maybe its got something to do with balancing the system or some such crap (oops bad word number 1. But another word wont give the same effect so not erasing it).

Dont know what started the whole melancholy thing. But I could feel it when I woke up. Now what was it that got me up? Cant remember. But I knew I wasnt ready to be up. It took me a while to adjust to daylight and get all those sleeping cells out of their bed. I dont remember how but the TV was on. My hands must have moved to the remote while my eyes were still sleeping. So I ended up watching this movie Radio Flyer. One sad and lovely movie it was. But it helped in raising that melacholiness around(I am sure there is no such word but I am too tired to open dictionary.com right now). And then I find my Momma sick. Now I hate it when Momma is sick. I am too used to seeing her always moving around doing things, it kind of you gives you an energy- well though you yourself are still in bed till noon. And when she is in bed sick, the whole world seems to lie down with her. You seem the only person up in this world. That kind of takes the batteries off you if you know what I mean. Dull dull day it becomes! Oh yes Mr Blog, its a real dull day!

And somehow all your plans for the day end up a flop too. But then that feels right, cause nothing works on a sad day. You see thats the rule. There is no middle-thing. Its either entirely sad or entirely good. Cause you are the director. You dont wanna set anything right once you feel down. You expect everything go down the drain.

So thats how it is Mr Blog. Not that I am sitting here in front of my computer with a 100 tissues sobbing my heart out. But I could feel my face drooping, in harmony with the sadness thats lurking around. I am sure if I held out my hand I could touch it. Yeow! What a thought!
Sleepy but you dont wanna sleep, could be hungry but you dont wanna care, utter lazy (though thats got nothing to do with the day, its kinda built-in), wanting to do nothing but lament about what a stupid day its turning out to be- you get the picture! Thats how it is!

Ok Mr Blog, I havent exactly got tired of talking to you. But my hands dont wanna move through the keyboard. They are too tired! Pampered, thats what they are! By their own dear owner! Oh that will be me!

Sneeze! That did it! I am getting outta here before I pass on the sadness to you Mr Blog and all your Bloggie pals!
See ya in a better mood! By the way a coupla calls from your Gran to tell your Mom to watch cooking lessons on TV might just add fuel to the fire!
See ya later!
Love,
Your keeper
Cris!

Another goodie walk on a goodie day!

I feel I need to give a blog entry today. Its a Saturday and hmm the day seems special somehow. Lots of diary entries (the actual book-diary) for one thing. And yes another one of those walks with Jim seeing all the people and the happenings around. Think I will talk about that now.

As I started, I took my steps pretty fast conscious of all the eyes on me. 5:45 p.m and a girl-stroller in the city is not that common here. When the walk went on and I have crossed the difficult crossings (boy the cars never stop coming!) there appeared Jim, my imaginary fellow-walker. He kept telling me to stop being so conscious and looking at the ground. So I raised my head frowning at Jim and started watching the things around me. An old man moving slowly is what I first saw. Jim and I decided we too should walk like that, slower and steadier. And then from nowhere came a big black vehicle, (am bad with names sorry!), seeming to aim its wheels at me! I am sure it had 2 eyes and a villanous laugh as it moved faster. I took a quick run (which was not really needed but hey thats what you call reflex!) and immediately found myself blushing! There were people all around, said the helpful Jim! I knowww, shouted I!

The next thing we saw were 2 kids walking between 2 grown ups. They could be hardly 3. One of them seemed very happy to see me, kept smiling at me till she went out of sight. Both of them were singing some song. And yes, I decided to start singing. Think I started yankee doodle went to town. But Jim said its horrible. So I kicked him. Next was another kid. This one was hardly 4, was holding his Momma’s hand, trying hard to keep up with her. And what made him special was he wore glasses that covered his brows, eyes and nose. The poor fellow could hardly manage his face and his walk together. He seemed dull and moody. I found my own lips curling down and frowning. Jim laughed at this! Jim has a stupid sense of humour!

Oh! Its Mr V! Someone I knew and was not quite friendly with. Well he didnt seem to see me. What do we do what do we do, I asked Jim. Lets just walk, he said. I bent my head down and walked fast. Jim had to run to catch up with me. We laughed after we have passed him and almost fell down running. Two people raised their heads and looked at me. I guess they find my talking to Jim and laughing with him a bit weird. Well I dont have enough reasons to blame them so lets leave it there. Jim is most useful when we have to cross roads. I always need a hand to hold on to when I cross roads. No wonder the first crossings were so hard! The dumbo was late!
Seems like an abrupt place to stop but thats it, I reached my destination. I took an auto-rickshaw on my way back so there was nothing much to see. Jim came and sat with me for a minute to say buhbye see ya for the next walk.

Well it was one good day. I hope I was able to convey through this writing the feeling!