Story of a lost journalist

March 2, 2010

Marriage thoughts

Filed under: love,My Musing Moments — Cris @ 00:00
Tags: , , ,

My marriage thoughts… again.

I don’t believe in marriage because I don’t believe that relationships always last. Love is good at first, when you (think you) are just falling into it. That’s the time when you think this is it and you want to be with each other forever and ever. But soon, things change, the person you are with changes, the love itself changes and the relationship starts cracking. I like to see it as a closed space that starts sending tremors. Most people pretend not to see the cracks and hold on to the last few things in the closed space until they are blown away in the end.

I am tired of hearing clichéd terms like “adjustments”. I am not an adjusting person, period. If you adjust, you should be happy about doing it (I know – “if you really love someone, then you would be happy about doing it for them” – Blah!). If not, each adjustment, or each time you give up on things, it only adds to your frustrations. All of it finally reaches the neck bottom and boom – it explodes. And that’s it.

I will agree there are a lot of good feelings in it. If you could enjoy a relationship like you do an ice-cream and then forget about it, it’s fine. But it is not a temporary stop you could leave. It is going to be painful. And if I know it is going to be painful, then why would I go into it? I am so happy without it.

This is not because I saw or experienced a few relationships fail or base my thoughts on my limited experiences. It is something I have observed about the whole world. And I just don’t believe relationships last. Ignore the outer marks of commitment and go in and you will find it is more than often a just-for-sake deal to keep the family together. No love. If no love, then why marriage?

Its been proved that you cant always keep both ambition and marriage together. Look at Sudha Murthy. She may not have had a problem keeping aside ambition for marriage. I just meant you have to agree that choosing marriage may very well kick out the other big dreams from your life. Many people would say they don’t mind and their first priority is ‘the family’. Agreed. So for those who do mind, marriage is not a good option. Cause they may want to pursue other dreams as well, so they better not get married. Unless they keep marriage aside for a while but that becomes a taboo. So marriage is a choice. It depends on what you want more. Would have been a happy world if you could remain married and still do all things you wanted all at the same time. That aint practical, that aint happening; so forget preaching idealistic theories that don’t work.

I am ready to change my mind about relationships lasting. I am yet to see a real one that does. But I am sticking to my stand that marriage is always a choice, and not a compulsory stage in life!

As for me, I just like to live uncontrolled, be lazy, roam and not worry about keeping an account of where I go and what I do each second of my life – no plans, no preparations. Just wake up and live each day as it comes, as you feel like. Not a pathetic wanna-be-free talk, just a simple fact people somehow seem to shudder at and despise when they hear.



  1. Thumbs up!! 🙂

    Comment by usha — March 3, 2010 @ 22:31 | Reply

    • @usha: yep all 4 of them 😀

      Comment by Cris — March 6, 2010 @ 00:21 | Reply

      • lolz!!!

        Comment by usha — March 14, 2010 @ 21:27

  2. 🙂 ..oh yeah ,want more members for te club????

    Comment by Aneesh — March 4, 2010 @ 00:57 | Reply

    • @Anbro: Yea! You be the president! We will beat them soldier, err Mr Pres!

      Comment by Cris — March 6, 2010 @ 00:26 | Reply

  3. from an evolutionary standpoint, relationships last for 3-4 years. It goes phut after that and then the people involved have to fall in love all over again. I guess you are right 😀

    Comment by Aashik — March 6, 2010 @ 07:57 | Reply

    • @Aashik, 3-4 years? Or do you mean any number of years before one of them suggests “marriage”

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 12:42 | Reply

  4. 🙂 kidu!!!

    Comment by anila — March 7, 2010 @ 12:53 | Reply

    • @anthraappa: heeheehee. you too write your views in Parayatte Njan

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 12:51 | Reply

  5. Hit the nail right on the head!!
    I am totally in favour of this voice.
    Marriage is always a choice, if you have tons of things to do before you settle down. Marriage doesn’t allow space for all the crazy stuff you might want to experience in life. Marriage shouldn’t be all about adjustments and sacrifices (not unless the guy/girl is worth all trouble and is totally in tune with you and your crazinesses).
    I am not all anti-Marriage, but am too in a way when I see so many of my friends committed to family and kids with a totally lost view of their previous unfulfilled things-to-do-in-life list!

    Comment by Rasika — March 8, 2010 @ 00:24 | Reply

    • @Rasika, same here. Read your blog. I will change my mind when I see you holding on to your “craziness” and doing all the wild things you want, years after marriage.

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 12:52 | Reply

  6. Marriage is nothing but a legal commitment :”I’ll be there to share your tough times through out our life.!” More like a legal certificate for love. If love is strong, unconditional, and have infinite life, we dont need marriage. But it never happens, and on the course of time love will fade out. I am not a supporter of marriage, but at some point in our life, we will need it. At least, that’s what the experienced people told me when I debated for it.

    Comment by Srijith V — March 8, 2010 @ 13:22 | Reply

    • @Srijith, I believe what we all need is love- and not exactly marriage. Again debatable. Not sure if love qualifies to be a need anymore in today’s rat race world.

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 12:54 | Reply

  7. In my view, the discomfort with marriage would wither away if we stop measuring it in units of “what is in it for me?” i.e. I have geysers of wants and desires, and I do not want them to be compromised by marriage.

    At the risk of being called “idealist”, let me say this. A friend of mine (a married person) showed me a few lines from an old Indian text, where the words “prema” and “kama” are separately defined. Kama is the selfish feeling that “I want to enjoy” and “prema” is the selfless feeling that “I want my beloved to enjoy”. The latter is inspiring, worth waking up every day for. If we could move our minds closer to it, marriage would become special in so many ways. There will be laughters and tears in any relationship. What other incentive is to life other that a boat-load of such emotions?

    My 2 cents ! 🙂

    Enjoyed reading the post.

    Comment by Anand — March 10, 2010 @ 04:27 | Reply

    • @Anand – before I start my arguments let me ask a personal question. Are you married? If yes, and you are successfully following your “idealistic” ideas, then hats off to you. Now coming to my post, it was not about “what is in it for me?”. What I dont understand – 1 is why this stress on marriage. For instance you think that a person who wants to go after his dreams and desires and not get married is being selfish. So what if he wants to chase his desires? Why cant he keep away marriage for that? Its his life and there is absolutely nothing selfish about deciding if he should get married or not. If he marries, it is for his benefit. 2 – this is a personal take. I dont believe that marriage is the only expression of love. In fact I have always felt that marriage reduces the intensity and craving for each other… i feel that if you want to keep loving someone and be loved, you should stay away from marriage. So the love lasts forever.

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 13:02 | Reply

  8. To marry or not to marry, that is always the question. Guess each has his pros and cons. Marriage could be called as a compromise or a sacrifice. As far as I am concerned, I was an idealist seeking higher meaning in life. Did not find any such. Meanwhile I realized that I was only causing distress to my parents. So I thought why go searching for something when there is some meaning to be sought right under my nose. So making my parents happy became my meaning in life. And that meant marriage also. So be it, I said. And marriage means your taking responsibility for another person’s life. So another meaning to your life. So that stops the endless search for meaning or seeking the elusive happiness and one has one’s task set out. Thats how I see it.

    On an aside, Cris, have not seen any comments from you on my blog for over a year now. Is it an indicating of the deteriorating quality of my writing?

    Comment by The Fool — March 11, 2010 @ 11:40 | Reply

    • @TF haha no I havent been reading blogs that regularly. And you say you married for your parents’ happiness? I dont really believe that. You decided to go ahead cause you too must have been curious, or had some sort of interest. Right?

      Comment by Cris — March 12, 2010 @ 13:12 | Reply

  9. Cris,
    I m happy you re-visited this most contentious issue.
    I read your first post on the subject, that unfortunately was accorded the ‘shelf life’ of only a few hours by you, for personal reasons! I PLEADED with Anila to persuade you to reconsider the probable possibility of you re-posting it. I was willing to post it in my blog, of course with your expressed consent, which was duly denied ! Agreed, your first post was tainted with ‘personal’ feelings! and you had every right to decide whether it should see the light of the day, as it’s author! But NOW, the same topic, elucidated in a more abstract, -‘away from being too personal’-manner makes reading and understanding your take on marriage, more delectable! This second post is somehow more authentic and precise!
    Good one Girl!
    prompts me to say what I think about the whole ridiculous scenario once again. I ll do it soon. I understand you may NOT have the time or inclination to go through my post, Nevertheless I request you to check it out, if only time and your frame of mind permits you to do so.

    Comment by muralee maadhav — March 13, 2010 @ 07:45 | Reply

    • Muralee: I dont know how you got the idea this post was reworked on. It is the very same post, word by word. When I read it again, I realised it was not personal after all. I thought it personal because it felt I was talking too much about my opinions on really personal matters. Glad to see it prompted an entry from you. Have read your blog, will leave comments.

      Comment by Cris — March 21, 2010 @ 18:34 | Reply

  10. All i can say after reading your blog and your replies to other comments is that you are a confused girl. You want to enjoy your life; do all the things that you want; but are scared you won’t be able to do it after marriage. But you should understand that you should find a partner who is similar to you in thoughts and that should be possible isnt it? And that is what happy marriages are 🙂 If people marry anyone just for the sake of it; it is always hell of a life. May be you get to see only such people in your life; thats why you are so scared lol. You can ask me again, why get married at all? Yes, that is right; living-in together is also fine. If people living-in really feel they love each other and can live life-long together; i think they make the decision themselves- marriage. There is always a divorce if people dont like to live together anymore. Only one should be bold enough to enter a relationship and try it out. What is life if you don’t dare enough and face the happiness/pains of it.

    Comment by Boris — March 24, 2010 @ 11:30 | Reply

    • @boris: I have passed that stage you mention long ago. When I worried if I would be able to lead the same life etc. But this post is not about my apprehensions! No! It is just my realisation that you didnt have to marry in life – as simple as that. Somehow that line just doesnt get across to people. They cant just hear that line and let it pass. here you assume that marriage is a stage in life that you HAVE to cross and that I am just avoiding it for fear. And my point is that marriage is not a stage in life – it is a choice in life. You may take it or not. There is no need to question those who marry and those who dont. It is their preference. And you think no marriage means living-in. That again is a choice! If you want you marry or you go for a live-in or you lead a single life. Three perfectly normal choices. No questions about it.

      Comment by Cris — April 23, 2010 @ 02:05 | Reply

  11. Yo there,
    I stand by you. In 100% agreement with your views.
    Be honoured. I never agree with anyone on anything.

    Comment by Syam Nath S — April 16, 2010 @ 18:52 | Reply

    • @syam: Honoured! Thank you!

      Comment by Cris — April 23, 2010 @ 02:17 | Reply

  12. Is marriage really as bad as everyone here mentioned? I like to think the other way…

    The subject should have been love marriage coz you have always tried to refer the end of love by marriage. when it comes to love marriage, the problem happens only if two people falls in love with each other’s good qualities. In most cases, All the time they are together, they share their good feelings, positive thoughts and will try their level best to be the best people alive when with each other. But they both have a side which has never been confronted by each other on any occasion of their love story. There the problem starts with marriage..
    What if the Love starts with the marriage. It can also happen in some case.. we cannot deny the possibilities..
    About adjustments… In true love there is no adjustments, but there is understanding of each other, hence as far as their love is true, they will understand each other and where the knots are tied between hearts the marriage will last until death make them part..

    Comment by Javed Miandad — November 18, 2010 @ 23:57 | Reply

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