I love him so…

He was looking really good this morning. Amit is turning 25 today. They must be planning a big party at the house. I heard him say “Be ready for the big day Mom”. I saw her kissing his forehead. “My boy! You are becoming a big man son”. I think her eyes were moist.
As I saw him walk down the lane I couldnt help feeling jealous..

I had given up on him.. He was all mine and I let him go
I felt I wasnt good enough for him. And he did become successful in life. He had all that he needed .. or did he?

I have wondered many times if I was doing the wrong thing. I never found out the answer. But I cant take it anymore…

I have seen him walk down that lane everyday for the past 20 years. He was my closest neighbor. He has always smiled at me. I smiled back at him. Sometimes he’d come and talk to me. I wonder if he ever saw in my eyes what he means to me.. As he got older he visited less. He had other things to do in life. Probably a girl friend..

Like every year, he would bring me sweets a little later and tell me “Its my birthday”
I wanted to kiss his head and tell him how much I love him. But I never did..I would say “happy birthday” and smile.

I’d sometimes give him sweets I make. I’d call his name loudly. He would come over and take some to his home. They must be proud of him..
I never gave him the gifts I got for him.. I didnt want them wondering why I was so generous.

I rarely went to his home. They’d call me all the time. They have never asked about me though my life may seem pretty mysterious. They have always treated me well. I knew I had nothing to worry about..They are really good people.. He was in good hands..

Knowing that, I lived all these years. And now he is 25. If they ever gave him away as I’d always fear, he can take care of himself.. I was there just in case he needed a shelter. He should never be alone..

I must have been wrong or right. I didnt know anything back then. I was 14 and had noone. After 5 years I came to this home to be near him all the time. To see him everyday, to know he is close by…
And today, I say goodbye to this world… A woman cant take any more of this..
As for him, I never got to tell him, I am his unfortunate Mother..Love you son..goodbye..