Story of a lost journalist

January 5, 2009

Cris Cracks series – 2

Filed under: Cris Cracks,humor — Cris @ 11:43
Tags: , ,

Well I didnt think this would go on as a series. But its quite early in the morning and I am already in form



Scene 1:



From office. Conversation between senior journalist and me. He starts.


Had you been around Patoor yesterday?”


No Patoor”

Who Sir?”


Oh me in Patoor? Err I dont know Sir. I have been to East Fort”

Yeah? Through Patoor?”

Err I dont know that”


Pause where colleague lets it known that me and directions never got along well.

Ok I saw you there in an autorickshaw”


Pause for 5 minutes – brilliant brain thinks back

Oh oh yes yes I have been to Patoor”

Its an old story by now. “Eh?”

I was there. For my dentist appointment”

Laugh. Hmph.



Scene 2:



Internet connection lost in office. Everyone checks on it. Its fixed within a few minutes the announcement of which I totally missed.

So five minutes later I come up with my brilliant discovery


Net kitti net kitti” (“we have got Internet, we have got Internet”)

Laugh. Hmph.



Scene 3:



From yesterday. An online friend N came home. No no I was at my charming best and made no mistakes. Unfortunately N remembers one of the first calls he had made


Hi, Are you busy?”

I assume for some reason that N who had my number stored in his cell would call and ask me if I was ‘Busy’

No I am Cris”

Cause of course to brilliant Cris’s mind Busy should sound like just another name. My explanation is that I heard it Lissy. But noone would believe me anyway.


December 11, 2008

Secret to making good speeches

Filed under: Daily Rot,humor — Cris @ 00:28
Tags: , ,

I found the secret formula of making a good speech. You need to be born with an amazing sense of humour. And if possible, you should grow a beard. Beards have something to do with dealing with masses – Santa has one. And today I heard Richard Stallman talk, and Eben Moglen talk. They have beards too. I made another connection here. Cause wherever I see free software, I see big beards. If Santa has a computer, which latest movies say he uses to deliver gifts, he probably uses free software too. Or else he has got to explain the white beard.

The beard also explains why there are fewer women in free software. And people think its housework! Hah house or no house, get a beard and you are an FS expert.

Now coming back to speeches. Having lived a few years as a human being, I have found out one thing – humans hate listening. So speech-makers had a tough job ahead. Here was a bunch of people all ready with their nap-beds waiting for their lullabies and you had to keep them awake. You had to make them listen and you had to make sure they could think about what you say.

An average human, according to my analysis pays full attention to the first 6 words. And if you don’t grab his interest with these 6 words, you have lost him. He would turn his head to look at the pretty girl in front of him. And then he would turn his head to look at the unpretty chair at the back. After this, he would look up and count the threads in cobwebs. He would do everything except listen.

But bring in humour and bang he is back. Once he knows you are one of those unpredictable fellows who’ll crack a joke any minute, he will listen. He would not want to step away for a second and miss a funny piece.

And then of course there comes your tone and how you say things. But experts have already covered that. I will just say – talk soft, slow, with a lot of pause and of course – you have to talk not read, not recite. Its got to be a conversation or at least a narration.

The method I use is the opposite of all that I said now – I read or sound like I read, and I speak at 10 dB ensuring anything beyond 10 cms cant hear me breathe. That works fine for what I am looking for – namely no future invitations for speech-making.

October 26, 2008

Hahaha anyone? :-(

Filed under: Daily Rot,humor — Cris @ 02:08
Tags: , ,

I am losing my humour bone. I remember adding the humor tag to posts so often some time back. I used to be not able to stay serious for too long. But now its showing signs of withdrawal. Even in my talks. Well not entirely.

One set of people are not happy with my responses and find my involuntarily uncalculated responses too rude. For instance, if someone says hey that’s a good song and I like it I say ah very rarely you do show signs of homosapienism. Totally unintended to be hurting but there I am assuming too much. Cause something I consider silly may not be thought so by someone else. I learnt it when someone said something to me, apparently as a joke and I was offended. And he pointed out that this was something I always did to everyone – stress “on a pretty large scale”.

I don’t know an easy solution to this. Best one would be to know when and to whom you are cracking a joke at. Some people laugh with you and it’s a success, some people feel laughed at and you are a loser (and in potential danger). The when-part is equally important. Because there have been instances when the same friend who laughed for the same jokes proved quite annoyed on another instance – and wasted no effort in telling it lightly – so when you make an acquaintance its always good to think first – will she or will she not laugh at all times, has she shown a history of yelling/scratching at the initiator of bad jokes, will she in dire circumstances cling to physical attack? You get the picture, safety is most important.

But that’s one side of the story. On the other side there are people, who assuming my humor side is still strong and kicking make calls, throw something at me waiting to crack a smart one and shake them up in endless mirth. Unfortunately in an attempt to retain my funny-girl reputation I either say something entirely too clichéd or nothing at all – like I was too dumb to get it. Worst of all is my ejection of 2-worded attempts at laugh – a heh, a heh more and a ha.

Friend: joke-bait

Me (thinking): eh eh

Friend (not giving up): you see it is j-o-k-e b-a-i-t

Me (suddenly enlightened): oh yeah

Friend: So so (alas, that line of expectation)

Me: Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Friend: Eh?

Me: heh

Friend: Eh?

Me: Heh

Friend: Oh (realization finally setting in… shes lost it)

Me: Haha?

Friend: Hmm

So that’s the sad story. I have taken the somber path against my wishes. I am going to drown in Wodehouse or Woody Allen or Linwood Barclay for days now. And I will try Seinfield and Garfield and Helen Fielding – or I will just change my name to Wood Field – that’s obviously got to give out some good result.

October 20, 2008

I don’t like Gulmali!

Filed under: Daily Rot — Cris @ 23:57
Tags: , , ,

I am going to post about someone called Gulmali today. Obviously its not the real name. It’s a she and someone I know. Why I want to write about Gulmali is because I don’t like her company, some things about her irk me. Here are a few instances

 Instance 1

“Be there at 5 tomorrow will you?” orders Gulmali

“Alright” says I

“Be sure. Otherwise I will have to stand alone and wait”

“Ok I will be there”, says I

Sad that I cant be late like I usually am (sad cause an organized life always came hard for me), I drag myself to the said place 1 minute before 5. Gulmali is not there. She arrives 15 minutes later happily, cheerfully.

“You are late”, I say

“I know”, says Gulmali happily, cheerfully.

No explanation, no apologies, no nothing! She just goes on with whatever business we went there for!

Me: Irked!


Instance 2 – which is an oft repeated one

I am talking to someone, say hmm, Shweesha (imaginary name again)

Gulmali comes and shakes my hand “Come come its time to go”

I try to wave to point out something she obviously missed – I was talking to someone.

This goes unnoticed and now Gulmali starts pulling my hand hard enough for me to be pushed along. It might be noted here that Gulmali was 2.5 times heavier than me. So that didn’t exactly leave me in a position to strip her hold on me, or for that matter like I really wanted, to push her down, jump over her and laugh ‘buhahaha’.

Me: Irked again!


Instance 3

Gulmali talks, Gulmali talks more, Gulmali talks non-stopped.

My turn comes when Gulmali stops to breathe. I say “Oh yea there happened this thing the other day”

Gulmali looks away, yawns, and looks indifferent till I get the message and stop in less than 60 seconds. So my tales are usually scripted this way

“There happened this thing the other day. (Sees Gulmali’s bored expression). And I forgot what it was”

Gulmali never knows that I even opened my mouth. She carries on with her tale, a little annoyed by the interruption, all loud and enthusiastic. And the whole earth shakes with her when she emits one of her bulldozer chuckles.

Me: Irked multi million times more!


I do not like bossy people! I don’t like dominating people! I don’t like people who only talk and wont listen. I don’t like people who don’t give a darn about your time or space! I don’t like Gulmali!

September 24, 2008

A victim of addiction, need help

Filed under: Daily Rot — Cris @ 00:11
Tags: , ,

A professor who teaches me said that addiction was no more a thing of drugs, like you see in older movies where victims turned violet without it. No, he said, that was a thing of the past – today’s mad men and women were produced by one little thing on top of everyone’s desk – no marks for guessing, a computer.

Another professor said that the biggest saints or munis were not those people who stood on top of Himalayas but the young people who sat before a computer from morning to evening – cause they didn’t need food or water, they sat there not letting the world know of their existence.

I laughed both times. But when I thought back – yes I am an addict too and yes I am a muni too! One day when we lost internet connection last month, I made a whole lot of fuss, barking at anyone who came across and blaming them all for this super gigantic loss! Life proceeded only when I could find a café by evening and sit there for a few minutes. And I pointed out my reasons: this was my job now! Mm yeah, right.

And the muni thing – argh true again. My mother would be the first to give testimony – she’d call me for hours to eat, she’d tell me about things and I would brilliantly miss them all even if I took a minute to look at her. Cause I find it hard to keep 2 things at a time in head. So after whatever I was doing was done, I’d try think back what she said, and then answer her, in a matter of fifteen minutes :-D. She somehow doesn’t find the whole prospect too interesting.

And sadly fact is I waste a lot of time doing that. Before, when I had a regular job, I used to find time to watch TV, movies, read books, and even browse for a while – but browsing took a short time, cause after all that monitor staring at work, I’d prefer staying away when home. And now I switch on my computer and I have no idea what I actually do all the time I have it open, but what I think was a matter of minutes would always turn out to be huge long hours. I would by end of day, realize there’s a ton lot of things I had wanted done, books past due dates, articles pending from weeks before, movies I promised myself to catch up, and a lot of other things planned to bring myself up.

Each day I decide next day would be different – I would push off switching computer to later. But next day comes and I change that to, ok I will just switch on the computer maybe do a quick go in fifteen minutes and get back to other things. Needless to say, that thought fades away the moment I see my XP loading.

I need a solution. I need an antidote. Any suggestions/help/guidance welcome! (And don’t tell me to switch from XP to Linux!)

September 20, 2008


Filed under: Daily Rot — Cris @ 15:42
Tags: , ,

I don’t know what it is with me and Trivandrum city. One cant seem to part with the other! Hmph – that last line is the contribution of a friend who never misses to point that out whenever I announce a long trip – “You? Go there? You mean outside of Trivandrum? No way!”
Dying to prove him wrong, I had a Coimbatore trip all planned for the weekend, tickets all ready in hand. And bang, Thursday morning I show signs of an impending fever which by Thursday night was all here!

Same thing happened last month when I was frantically trying to attend a blog camp in Alleppey.
It’s a scary thought! Unable to get out of a city all your life?! Ok ok I took a Thrissur trip in Jan, so its not entirely impossible. Maybe it’s a summer thing, it will wear off. Its not summer anymore? Gulp.

September 16, 2008

Why Cris?

Filed under: Daily Rot — Cris @ 17:38
Tags: ,

This is one question not a single person failed to ask me whenever I gave my clichéd line “I love being called Cris”.
So blogging about it, the story that led to Cris.

When I was about 8 years old I used to know a candyman, his name was Christopher. He was an Anglo-Indian and came by our street every other day to sell candies. And he would tell us kids “Candies from the big Chris Man, take ‘em kiddos take ‘em”. And I would go back home and announce “Candies from the big Chris girl, take ‘em people take ‘em”. I repeated this at school, to the girls there and they started calling me ‘the big Cris girl’, which became ‘Cris girl’ later and over the years, Cris.

The name was forgotten as I grew up cause I stopped advertising candies. Christopher was not seen anymore in our streets and he was soon forgotten. I moved away too. Somewhere in my 8th grade, I ran into Christopher outside a market place. He looked a lot older at 70. He didn’t have candies anymore. I was thrilled when he recognized me and he in turn was thrilled when I remembered his big line “Candies from the big Chris Man”. Christopher told me he had enrolled to study literature and that took me by surprise. At 70, a man who sold candies for a big part of his life, had decided to seek education. But that’s something he always had in mind. “Yes Sir, that’s what I have always wanted. I been saving up”. I was quite pleased about this.

I kept contact with Christopher and he told me how he progressed in studies. Sometimes he used to pop up with his books and ask me to help him with them. Its because of him, that I started taking an interest in reading, in language. Christopher had lent me a few books at the time which put me on track. It was also on Christopher’s suggestion I started writing. My first works were simply horrifying and he’d frown and say “You could do a lot better than that Missy”. Christopher became a man who did a lot, to inspire me.

One year later Christopher passed away. And I christened myself Cris.

Reality Check. Mm ok. I just wanted to make the whole story interesting, but now that I have written it I wish there was more truth to it! But there isn’t, and every word was made up – the name Cris came to exist from 9th grade because my cousin and I came up with an idea to create a cyber name apparently for security (!) and I stuck to it till I have stuck so much that I couldn’t unglue myself from it! So there that’s the real story and it seems so absurdly lame! Sigh! Anyway I am Cris cause I am. Period.
And now I could actually picture Christopher so much I cant help wishing he was real! But if he was, I wouldn’t let him die.

September 15, 2008

Onam walk around the city

Filed under: Daily Rot,Personal — Cris @ 21:35
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today, I finally got around to doing what I planned for a few days now – walk around the city and see the Onam celebrations. Both times I went out last week were during day time so I missed the illuminations. Well past evening, it was all there today. I promised a sick friend I will make a report, so doing it though it was pretty much a usual walk around the city.

The lights were gorgeous, extending all the way from Vellayambalam towards PMG (I am beginning to learn the names this way!). I stopped at a groundnut vendor and got a mixture of green peas and vegetables, something like chaat. Taking occasional spoonfuls, I continued my walk. Then there was a vendor selling soap bubbles. I checked – Ok the world around did not know me, I decided it was harmless to blow a few bubbles in the dark. Who said only kids did that? Unfortunately my bubble blowing skills were minimal and 7 out of 10 times I blew hard nothing came out. Hmph, passerbys instead of watching lights and celebrations decided to watch the lady in inaction!

Anyway my walk proceeded and I tried to squeeze into Kanakakunnu amidst the thick crowd. Boy what a crowd! I had no idea so many people lived in Trivandrum!
Kanakakunnu, besides people had giant wheels (I mentioned in my previous post), other rides and a number of stalls. In addition, the star attraction was a gang of 3 elephants right in front standing still for hours. Poor guys. They must be so bored. Luckily, some people decided to bring some drums (chenda) and play for them.

Going out of Kanakakunnu I spotted a small boy throwing some toy up in the sky, it had a small little LED which made it glow. I was of course enthralled and watched the boy in action. Too bad I forgot my autograph book. I took the next turn and my first throw went 3 inches high – (which was bad, considering his went 60). After pretending oblivious to the whole crowd seeing that, I went for my second marvelous throw which came down and hit a car. But it went high. So Tada, I was a star too now!

On my return trip I was wholly engrossed in bubble blowing so was surprised when a couple of acquaintances showed up in between the bubbles. Gulp, I was spotted. Oh well now that they knew it was just as well I blogged about it.
I walked back home, happy having down all the stuff I have always wanted to do and couldn’t because someone with me would always stop me. Today I was my own woman. Yippeee.

And if you looked up, nature had brought out its own illumination in the form of a bright and full moon. The ones here were loud, but the one above was quiet and pretty. It was a beautiful night.

September 9, 2008

Archimedes, Newton and Me

Filed under: Daily Rot — Cris @ 13:02
Tags: , ,

A teacher of mine advises to start love affair with words. Problem is withering memory of old age refuses to remember so many. Hmm hard work in need. Also scored absolutely pathetic for a current affairs test. Immediate reaction was an urge to bury head in a deep pit of mud and stay that way for the rest of life. However, urge stayed urge and head is still floating about. All light-weighted things do, they tell me. Or at least that’s what someone called Archimedes says, he found that in a bath tub.

I walk out, I get apples thrown at my head (affectionately of course), I take baths and err I have occasionally spotted bath tubs around. Why do these things never hit me? Why couldn’t it be me who discover floatation and gravity? Brilliant brain said: it was already done. And if possibility of multiple births exists, I must have been Archimedes once, born again to be Newton next, and finally born to be, err, me. Going by historical taste for discoveries, any day, any minute now, the world can expect something more. Expecting outside-Physics this time. Hmm should reserve meself a page in Wiki. This is going to be my url :

September 5, 2008

The art of meeting

Filed under: humor — Cris @ 23:11
Tags: , ,

It’s getting better. Earlier I mentioned about turning to a talker, today I became a meeter (Stupid MS Word keeps changing that to meter!) as well. Another online friend again. It was absolutely, totally and completely gulp-free. Friend says it’s my charm, I say it’s my charm, waiter says its my charm, so does biller, so does… oh well you get the picture. I was charming. Only bit of out-of-the-ordinary was actually in the recognition process. You see friend was seeing me and I was seeing friend for the first time – it involved a lot of seeing and anything involving a lot of anything was not an easy thing.

Me being the late comer went inside the eat-out, came and stood near chomping person showing high potential of being friend. Did the raise-brow test – test works as follows: if friend was friend, the raised brow would be given special attention which goes ah-oh-uh-you, if friend was stranger it would be treated with another raised brow which goes I-can-do-it-with-both-eyes-open-so-scram. This was the normal communication norm, one that was always lying around and I had just discovered. These sudden enlightenments always happen at dire circumstances. Wasted entirely on potential-friend who preferred chicken nuggets to eyebrow tester.

Storming female, err me, went outside and made chomper leave all chomping alone and pick me up. And there, I entered gracefully for a second time. Unfortunately grace was lost on the audience who were all like my friend, champion chompers. There were a few who recognized the weirdo who did her evening walks in an eat-out.

Keeping all embarrassments aside, or maybe cause I was finished with my share for the day, chose to attack both Chompy here and his food. However Chompy was chomping which meant business was left to, gulp, me. Hmph I decided Chompy deserved no sympathy, he did everything that called for a major Cris attack – an outflow about coffees, why coffees were not teas and why teas were for devils while coffees for angels. Chompy was a wise fellar and he realized there was a lot of coffee talked about here. He didn’t like that. The man stood for nuggets.
“Chicken nuggets”
“What are chicken nuggets?”
“Nuggets should be nuggets”
This was something I wholeheartedly agreed to. I always like it when nuggets are nuggets, I pointed out.
Glad of some harmony here, he proceeded to the other topic.
“Cutlets should be cutlets”. I volunteered.
Gleam in eyes, glow in face, my friend saw that he had just met a kindred soul. Deeply impressed by this enlightenment, he nodded
“Yes nuggets should be nuggets and cutlets should be cutlets. One should not be the other… but you knew that!”

Ah, was all too familiar with that look. Outright admiration. So impressed was he that Chompy actually left the last nugget’s last half’s last seventeenth piece entirely at my disposal. The boy was generous, I acknowledged by raising hands. Was afraid he would next fall straight down to my knees and ask for blessings. Not that I wasn’t generous with them, but maybe another time.

(The above story is based on a real life incident but the author may have taken the privilege of doing a wee bit of exaggeration here and there – this line shows its presence here in case Chompy reads this and makes plans to cook Cris nuggets next time)

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