Story of a lost journalist

November 1, 2008

To dentist we (dont want to) go

Two conversations. Err dentists or docs, please skip this. No defamation charges shall be accepted.

Scene 1: Jim and Me in living room, today

Me: Jim, I am going to die

Jim: Oh?

Me: Yes. Next week.

Jim: Oh?

Me: I am against suicide

Jim: Oh?

Me: So I am appointing someone to kill me

Jim: I cant

Me: Eh?

Jim: I’d love to help you Cris you know I always do. But I don’t like the smell of blood

Me: Thank you Jim but you don’t have to take the trouble

Jim: Oh is there a back up killer?

Me: There is only one. My dentist

Jim: Oh he is not going to kill you. He will just drive some screws into your jaws

Me: Thanks a lot Jim! That helps!

Jim: Oh don’t be a baby Cris, its no big deal!

Me: But it is! What if he was bored and thinks a root canal will be a fun thing to do?

Jim: Err Cris

Me: It is possible you know. Half the time dentists do things out of sheer boredom.

Jim: I don’t think root canal is a fun thing for dentists either. Monopoly maybe.

Me: You are missing the point. We are talking about me, remember! Solve my problem first.

Jim: You could choose not to go.

Me: I cant. The pain is killing me.

Jim: You could distract yourself. Read Calvin

Me: How? Stick it to the roof?

Jim: Oh I didn’t think of that. Oh yeah mp3 player

Me: Jim! Well that is an idea. But he might confuse it for his stethoscope and throw water at it.

Jim: Dentists throw water at stethoscopes?

Me: All the time. They throw water everywhere, into your mouth, onto their knives and even the nurses.

Jim: Why nurses?

Me: Identification I guess. To know them from patients.

Jim: Oh. Maybe they like gardening.

Me: So coming back to my problem

Jim: Oh forget it Cris, lets just eat for now

Me: Hmm easy for you to say you cavity-less creature!

Jim: One day Cris one day I will get it too.

Me: Don’t worry, I will take you to a doc. Unless you like to stay alive a little longer?

 

Scene 2: Monday morning, coming Monday morning

Me: I have got 2 cavities

Doc: 2 of ‘em?

Me: Yes can you tell me if I will need root canalling?

Doc: Hmm you just might

Me: Oh I don’t want to die so young

Doc: Root canalling does not imply suicide as is the general conviction

Me: No I know

Doc: Good

Me: Its willful murder

Doc: I beg your pardon?

Me: I am letting you kill me.

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August 15, 2008

Help Ms Cris: Starring Cris, fancy pal Mr Jim

Filed under: Cartoon,Jim and Me Conversations — Cris @ 23:56
Tags: , ,

jim

July 29, 2008

Conversation with a chocolate.

Filed under: Conversation,Imagination — Cris @ 02:57
Tags: , ,

The nice little chocolate no one took out of the Cadbury box stayed gloomy till the hands of Ms Cris had reached it.
“Oh dear Cris, please have me. No one ever wants to have me. Sniff, sniff, sob and sob”
“Sure no probs, come on take a leap to my hands”
The little chocolate, lets call it Chocky climbed happily and burst out singing.

“Today today is the day,
I am I am released.
And I owe it owe it to
Dear dear Ms Cris”

“Uh what is with the double-words?” Ms Cris asked
“That’s to make it poetic. That’s how we chocolates write poems you know”
“Ah. Your favorite hobby?”
“Yeah when we are not getting eaten, we write poems”
“Amazing”
“Oh dear Cris, you don’t know what this means. The only way a chocolate can have salvation is by reaching a human’s stomach”
“Hmm you should rephrase that to going through a human stomach. There is no guarantee you will remain there”

Chocky broke out singing again. “Today today is the day”
“Ok ok little guy, relax! We will take you in now, shall we? You ready?”
“Aww Cris is it time already?! Wow I feel like I am about to get married!”
“Sheesh! More of that and I will put you back in the box!”

Ms Cris took Chocky towards the mouth, but decided to sniff first.
“Oh wow you smell real good!”
“Oh Cris you are making me blush now!”
“Ok ok in you go. Lets take this conversation up from inside my stomach now”
Ms Cris opened her mouth and in went Chocky.

“Oh Cris you have such a beautiful tongue”
“Err thanks! Why don’t you go talk to your other fat chocolate friends down there?”
“Aww Cris it feels so good to melt here. You know how to treat a chocolate nice!”
“Err don’t you mind getting crunched? I kinda feel odd biting a friendly little fellow like you”
“Odd? Cris this is the first step of salvation. Its like when yogis meditate you know. We are in touch with peace”
“If you say so. Strange way your system works”
“Maybe one day you will be a chocolate to a bigger system and you will know what I mean!”
“What?! Getting chewed up?! No thanks, I prefer natural death!”
“Oh well I guess everybody is not that lucky. Alright Cris I am leaving your mouth now. Going to meet other friends you salvaged down there. You will bring more wont you? Help all of us in our cult?”
“Sure sure. Always glad to help, err, salvation. Nice talking to ya Chocky! Have fun!”

Ms Cris then eyed a big fat one in the box. She could hear loud screeches of “Choose me, please choose me”, coming from all corners of the box. Which one to choose, she wondered, hmm the fat one, she decided. But this story doesn’t end in a tragedy. For every one of those little fellows, fat and small are going to be treated fair and square by dear Ms Cris and they will all find salvation. They now sang in chorus

“Today today is the day,
I am I am released.
And I owe it owe it to
Dear dear Ms Cris”

And Ms Cris sang

“Today today is the day,
I turned fat and squat,
Thank thank you guys
For making me so so”

July 10, 2008

The life and ways of a Software Engineer

Filed under: life,Theory — Cris @ 21:19
Tags: ,

Relax everyone I am back! So is my net connection. Yippee!
For today, I will write something a friend of mine was telling me about today. Funny and yet sad!

She is a would-be Software Engineer so she finds it distasteful and unbelievable how the life of a Software Engineer could be such a drag! When this about-to-be-told incident happened, she was stalled in a road block inside her bus. So she was watching 4 lazy lousy just-woken-up SEs in action. This is how she said it.

“Chechi (elder sis), there was this house. And this typical Software Engineer with all Software Engineer qualities evident in his demeanor, appears yawning and he practically drags himself to this shop nearby, at the speed of 10 cm/10 seconds (that’s for effect, it translates to super slow motion). He reaches there, buys a banana and takes the 1cm/s journey back to the house.

Now guy 2 appears in front of the same house. And the same routine is followed, including the super-turtle steps to the shop, the banana buying and the return to the house. Guy 3 follows this and then guy 4 does too. Would anyone believe this if I told them Chechi! But seriously, this is exactly how it happened (the author added the speed measurement, so no exaggeration from the narrator).

And that’s not it Chechi. Now guy 1 appears again and he walks in this same pattern to a nearby tree, which apparently served the dustbin to the whole neighborhood. He drops the banana peel, returns, again to be followed in the same way one by one, by Guys 2, 3, 4”

(se22.png)

I was laughing the hell out at the end of this. Thing is, as weird as it sounds, I knew the whole thing was just as easily possible. Having lived an SE’s life for over 2 years, I knew the pattern. Yup, it’s us all the way. This friend of mine was asking “Really Chechi, do people not talk to each other or anything when they are in a professional world? How come the first guy didn’t buy for all 4 or they didn’t all go together?”
I gave her a long pep-talk. She had to know the world she was entering. Leave all preconceived notions of die-for-you friendships behind. “This, dear girl was the professional world. Not your school, not your college.”

It’s not that everyone in the software world is averted to friendship or devoid of any human feelings. Cause of course they maybe software engineers, but there might just be a possibility there is a human in them somewhere, if you observe closely; though they show all signs of being otherwise. Not scientifically proven; but not unproven either. But don’t let yourself be carried away. It would be wise to study the actions of a typical machine, any machine, before you deal with one of them. The resemblance is astounding. Switch them on and they work, switch them off and they are zombies!

Note: Any personal attack against the author for this post will be regarded highly offensive. Freedom of speech and expression was injected into the Constitution to serve a purpose! Do remember that before you take any further action!

July 7, 2008

Al, Al Pacino-look-alike or Al Pacino?

Filed under: Imagination — Cris @ 22:30
Tags: ,

I am sitting by the pond and watching the water aimlessly. I don’t notice an older guy come and sit near me until he says “Hi”.
Pause for 13 seconds.
The old guy is still there, and I look at him and say “Hi”. I notice something about him and smile. He says “It took you so long to say hi?”

Was he searching for something in my face? Hmm, no. I smile at him again and say “I am new in this place. In this country.”
He says “Ohhhhh”
And I proceed, “I don’t know the ways here you know”
“Where are you from?”, he asks politely
I say, “I am from India”
“Wow that is far. I guess people don’t talk to strangers much in your place?”
I laugh softly at this and say “No, haha, they don’t”
He smiles gently and says “Wow then I must be honored. Why were you so nice to talk to me?”
I laugh, stop for a moment to think and tell the truth. “You look like Al Pacino”
He laughs too now. “Haa haa! So Al Pacino is a nice guy to talk to?”
“He seems like a nice guy. In movies”, I say thoughtfully.
He laughs and says “Not everything that seems to be what they are, are what they really are my dear”
I nodded.

Pause for 30 seconds. He too is looking at the water now. Probably thinking on what he said. And then as an add-on to the last line he says “Some things are though”.
I like this guy. I wish he would stay longer.
As if he read my thoughts, he says “I am actually expecting company. What about you?”
“I am not, I thought I will, you know, just sit here for a while”
“You like being alone?”
“Sometimes”
“Why?”
“Cause there is no strain. I don’t have to keep my company amused, I don’t have to talk about things. I can just think what I feel like. Its less stressful”
Now he bursts out laughing. “That’s the first time I hear that haha. But you talk sense. Most people don’t realize this. But then again you know what?”
“What”
“There could be people with whom you could do all these things you do alone now. Leave them unamused, stay in silence and in one’s own thoughts without worrying about what the other feels”
“Oh”
“Yes”

And then, we did just that. I forget he is there and go to my own thoughts. He on his part stares at a bench on the other side, probably deep in thought. After a while, I don’t know how long, I ask, “When is your company coming?”. There is panic in my voice. It is like asking when will they take you away from me. Your silence, and your presence so good as to keep me to myself and in company all at the same time.
“I don’t know. But am glad she is late”. He looks at me and smiles. With that, a car horns and he turns around. “Coming”, he shouts and turns to look at me.
“It was really really nice meeting you. What shall I call you?”
“Cris, please. And you?”
“Call me Al”, he smiles, pats my head and runs to the car. For an older guy, he didn’t seem old at heart at all.

I stand up from the pond and walk oblivious to the murmurings around me and the group of people rushing towards his car. The murmurers and the rushers never came near the pond when he was there. Now they are coming towards me. I could hear someone who is a little loud with excitement. “That’s the girl that talked to Al Pacino! And she didn’t even know who he was”

I smile. What did they know? In this land of imagination, I created my Al Pacinos. I went and sat by a pond in a foreign country when I felt like and talked to people I felt like. I was the ruler, the director. But I wish now Al was real. I made him too good now I want to take him out of my imagination and bring him to the real world. ‘Possible failure of goodness retaining if taken to real world’, my wisdom advised. “So ok Al, you just stay there. And drop by when I visit the pond again. Love, Cris.” I write on a piece of paper. Al looks at it and smiles. “Reality, dear Cris could be so amazingly strange you might end up feeling its just your little imagination”.

[call me al song]

July 3, 2008

Car Monsters!!!

Filed under: Imagination,Jim and Me Conversations — Cris @ 04:29
Tags: , ,

“Jimmmmm”, I yelled at my fancy pal Mr Jim when I found him dozing in the middle of my interesting story.

And I got a very reactive reply. “Zzzzzzzzz”

“Well that’s just fine! You can pretend you are asleep but I’m finishing my story anyway”

Knowing he was in for it, Jim rose and said “Oh come on Cris! You know it’s boring!”

“It is not! You are just not using your imagination. Come let me take you to the place of action”

With that, the 2 of us, all enthusiastic and happy… BUZZ [Lie detected]! Ok one of us all enthusiastic and happy and the other literally dragged reached a cark parking zone.

“This is where I use my imagination? In a car park? What do I imagine? Car marriages???”, Jim was loudly reproaching.

“Oh don’t be such a whiner! Let me start all over again”

“Here we go.”

“When it turns dark, and all the cars are left to rest, the cars slowly move out of the car sheds and look up. What do they see?”

“Car roofs”

“No! The sky! And stars. Unlike humans, cars have a gift. They could extract powers from stars”

“Brilliant. Why wasn’t I born a car?”

“Cut it out Jim. So these cars, they get the power to come alive. Zummmmmmmmmm”

“That’s their power sound?”

“That’s the background music! Zummmmmmmmm”

“I like that. Zummmmmm”

“Exactly. So what happens when they are alive?”

“Zummmmmmmmmm”

I looked at Jim annoyed, and continued “They become monsters!”

“Zumm Zumm Zummmmmmmm”

“Jim! Don’t overdo it!”

“Hey that was the only part I liked in the story!”

Ignoring him, I went to an orange colored car. “Look at this one. He stays all silent now, but night comes and he becomes the orster”

“Orange + monster?”

“Finally! Yes and that one there is the blaster, the other bluester and over here the whister and the grayster”

“How creative!”

“They start greeting each other. Unlike humans, car monsters treat each other with hugendousgouspus respect”

“What respect?”

“Just a word like humungous. Means big”

“There is no word like that”

“So who says cars talk English? I am just telling it so you understand”

“So kind Cris”

“Thanks. So with this, err respect, they say ‘Greetings Orster, you are up late today’”

“Neat”

“Wait till you hear what they say after the greetings.”

“I cant wait!”, Jim said sarcastically.

I eyed Jim angrily and went on. “Which human do we go and eat today?”

This time Jim showed his genuine surprise but broke the moment by laughing indefinitely. “They eat humans? Haaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa”

“There is nothing funny about it. They take humans and put them on top of their carburetor, burn them alive, boil them and chew them up in the fuel injection”

“Wow Cris you know all the technicalities”

“Yea and this happens every night. They wink at each other with their headlights when they see a potential human victim. Then that night they would hunt her/him and eat her/him. They leave their engine on so that the noise would cover the human’s screams of pain.”

“You are a sadist”

“Not me! It’s them! They are car monsters remember? And this is not it. Once they have had humans they go to the sea to get rid of evidence and clean themselves”

“Sea?”

“Oh yeah they all drive together, reach the sea and swim. They’ll have the doors open and the doors will act like our limbs to waddle.”

“Nasty”

“Then they come back when its dawn and stay like innocent machines which knew just to honk and accelerate”

“And the humans just disappear?”

“Mm no. When the stars are not visible in the morning, the cars lose their power and everything they did just becomes undone”

“So what does the human feel like? Coming alive after dying?”

“Oh nothing except that they were in a bad dream. This is what really happens when you have nightmares! And you think it’s just a bad dream!”

“Very informative Cris. But look its getting dark. Maybe we shouldn’t stand close to those car monsters”

“Oh gee that’s true”

Jim and I strolled back, Jim now completely loosened up and laughing while he said “Oh gee am afraid if them monsters get me tonight!”

I just frowned and walked along.

Both of us didn’t see the orange car we leaned on having one of its sealed head lights half open, and turned towards the black car.

Author now realizes she had gone too far with the monster story and curses herself for writing it well past midnight! Now she has to go sleep. Gulp!

May 18, 2008

One day at home

Filed under: Just talking — Cris @ 19:47
Tags: ,

Today’s trip has been to nowhere. I actually had a movie plan to see Narnia Prince Caspian or Boothnath (Hindi). Change of plans. I stayed home. And one would assume that’s keeping the world safe from the hands of Mrs Trouble (Aged 6, I was married to Trouble)

Well the assumption is right. The world is unCrisTroubled for the day. And I have done deeds to make it a better place. I live in a multi-floor flat and the apartment above me was proving increasingly noisy. I am a supporter of noise most of the times. But today while I was busy doing nothing with my computer, I felt a bad need to silence the loud talker on the floor above. Every word he was speaking seemingly over his phone was resonating in my whole apartment (there could be a wee bit of exaggeration here). I blew into action without a moment’s thought. It went along this line “Put a lid on it”. Not loud enough. I decided only 2 words proved good enough on such an occasion. “Shut up!!!”

This time it was loud and clear. Real loud! And I didn’t stop with the first attempt. I repeated it twice and thrice. “Shut up, shut up, just shut up”. I was fighting hard not to laugh out in the middle of all this. Well in about 60 seconds it did become unnoisy. He didn’t exactly shut up. I think he just became softer or probably moved to another corner. I can’t even be sure if it is because he heard my yelling. At one time I thought he did. Cause after my shut-up he was saying loudly “nooo nooooo I can’t”.

I felt happy. One unusual deed for the day and the world looked cheery and friendly and good to live in. But even as I started writing now I was to fulfill one more unusual deed. Let me take the opportunity to narrate it.

A creature crawled on the wall in front of me and took another creature to its filthy mouth. Creature 1 was a very ugly looking lizard and creature 2 a teeny weeny fly. “Yeowww”. I did not like the act one bit. Its not that I particularly missed the fly, though of course I wish its soul would rest in peace. But the whole thing was disgusting. I went into a yelling spree. The lizard disappeared with immediate effect under a painting. This took me by surprise. It seemed to be not taking the yelling too well. If lizards were conspiring attacks on human beings who talked too loud, what would they do? They would use the next possible chance to jump on top of the unsuspecting human. Yeowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! This called for some major communication. A peace talk was in place. I did all the talking. The lizard responded by popping its head out first from the left, then the right and then the bottom of the painting. I am sure it heard everything though it didn’t exactly nod. My speech was beautiful. It said about the importance of lizards having to move out from human homes and building their own lizard houses with their own lizard bricks. The 2 of us were obviously from 2 different worlds.

The lizard has just taken a flight to a curtain. I hope it finds the exit through the windows and go on with the mission I advised. It might even tell its lizard friends and spread the custom worldwide.

Ahhh, it always feels nice to do some good to the world.

(meyelling.png)

(click for larger image)

March 23, 2008

one doubt cleared

The following post contains a leetle bit about the movie Zathura: A Space Adventure. No big deal but nevertheless thought I will give a spoiler alert. 

My fancy pal Mr Jim and I were watching Zathura (a space adventure movie) on TV and he was confused about the boy Walter’s future self coming to them while they play. Jim consulted a genius to clear his doubts – me.

“Hey how did that happen?”

“It’s easy Jim. You see thats what would have happened to the boy Walter had he wished for his little brother to have never been born. He gets stranded in space and there is no little brother to take the next turn.””

“But then how did it happen?”

“It doesn’t. Cause Walter doesn’t wish that so it kind of, err, it unhappens.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Yeah neither do I but this is how you’ve got to talk when someone asks you something. You don’t say you don’t know!”

Jim killed me.

July 13, 2006

Story : Love you Momma

Filed under: Fiction — Cris @ 14:20
Tags:

Day 1:
Nun : So you sure about this dear?
Liza: Yes. Dont worry everything will be fine. The 2 of us will be great together.
Nun : I sure hope so.

Day 2:
Liza : Err so they call you Vanda
Vinnie : Yup!
Liza : And you are 5 years old?
Vinnie : Yeah
Liza : I’d like to call you Vinnie
Vinnie : Whatever. You are my new boss.
Liza : Gosh I am not your boss! Where did you get that from?
Vinnie : The kids at the orphanage told me.
Liza : Well thats not true!
Vinnie : Then what are ya?
Liza : Uff… Err.. Call me Momma
Vinnie : Wow thats cool

Day 3:
Liza : Do you like pink?
Vinnie : Pink is ok I guess. I think Maroons’ the best
Liza : Maroon? Haha. Now thats a strange color for a kid to like.
Vinnie : What does strange mean?
Liza : Uhh strange? Emm it means odd.. different you know?
Vinnie : [blank expression]
Liza : If there are 10 girls, 9 of them likes pink and 1 likes maroon, that means the 1 kid is different you see?
Vinnie : You mean all the other girls like pink.
Liza : No. That was just an example.
Vinnie : What does example mean?

Day 4:
Sara : So hows it going?
Liza : Gee I am not sure.
Sara : Oh oh that doesnt sound good!
Liza : She doesnt call me Momma..
Sara : Haha is that all?
Liza : No. Its like we are 2 people living in the same place and talking only cause we have to..
Sara : Ofcourse dear. She just moved in with you. It will take time for little kids!
Liza : I hope she likes me..

Day 5:
Vinnie : Where are we going?
Liza : To get you a pink frock
Vinnie : Oh..
Liza : You can take a maroon one too.
Vinnie : Thanks

Day 6:
Vinnie : Hi
Liza : Oh wow! You look great in pink
Vinnie : Heheh you were right. Pink is good

Day 7:
Liza : Vinnie, we need to talk
Vinnie : Alrighty
Liza : Err do you like me dear?
Vinnie : I guess so
Liza : Oh.. wont you call me Momma
Vinnie : Ok
Liza : Yes?
Vinnie : Momma
Liza : Hmm… thanks!

Day 8:
Sofie : You are a new kid
Vinnie : Yea
Sofie : I am Sofia Cooper
Vinnie : I am Vinnie
Sofie : You gotta say your full name
Vinnie : Oh.. I am Vinnie..Liza
Sofie : Wow you got your Mommy’s name at the end? Everyones got their Daddy’s

Day 9:
Vinnie : Err Momma
Liza : [smiles] Yes dear?
Vinnie : What does adopted mean?

Day 10:
Vinnie : Momma
Liza : Yes dear?
Vinnie : Its easy to call you that now
Liza : [smiles]
Vinnie : Momma
Liza : Mmm?
Vinnie : Can I give you a good night kiss? Sofie gives her mom everyday
Liza : [cries, hugs her and kisses her]
Vinnie : [kisses] I love you Momma

10 years later

Vinnie : Momma
Liza : Yes dear?
Vinnie : I was just reading my diary. 10 years old this one, I barely knew to write.
Liza : [smiles]
Vinnie : You are the best mother in the whole world
Liza : [hugs her and kisses her] I love you dear
Vinnie : [kisses] I love you Momma

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