Story of a lost journalist

October 1, 2010

Detached

Filed under: Personal — Cris @ 01:19

Being liked is a gift. Some people have it, many dont. I am yet to figure out which category I belong to. One family I recently interviewed tell my friend, who introduced me, that I was an angel. Another was little pleased with my communication skills and kept it no secret.

I am naturally shy. But I tend to become wild and totally unruly when I am in comfortable circles. This includes some friends and acquaintances, and occasionally strangers I connect with easily. I try chanting this mantra ‘be yourself’ whenever I find those nervous signs in me. Rarely work though.

I wonder what it is that actually makes one like another? Say at the first meeting. I judge too, – though not consciously – and form impressions, that become hard to change later. But I have no clue what it is that actually forms this I-like or I-do-not-like impressions. For me, sure put-offs are hypocrisy, no regard for truth, artificiality – well all are one and the same. I think I can even tolerate arrogance cause it is real. But hypocrisy, I can’t. Say only if you mean it, laugh only if you feel like, emote only if it is from the heart. Why pretend otherwise?

As I am growing older, I am afraid I am getting detached. I remember connecting to people easier in my younger days. Now somehow there is this safe distance that creeps in. Does it happen with maturity? Or do I give out an unfriendly air about me that distances people from me? No, they don’t disappear at the sight of me, they don’t avoid me. I am talking about the intimacy factor. I have my list of close friends – but they are all from a long time ago, spare one or two. With most others, it is I-see-n-talk-to-you-cos-you-are-here. The moment we are out of sight of each other, we completely forget of the other’s existence.

If you ask me if I am sad about it, well yes, a little bit. I miss something from the old days. Something I used to have but not anymore. I first related it to age. People I interact with are mostly younger to me so they’d prefer other younger ones. But no. Older people too dont get close. Some even seem to respect me! Little ol’ me!

So it has something to do with the unfriendly air I mentioned before. I give it out knowingly or otherwise. Not a hostile one, no. But the obvious I-would-only-get-this-close-so-stay-away one. For instance, I don’t talk anything personal with any of my recently-made acquaintances. I dont purposely avoid it. It somehow doesnt come to me. Even when others open their lives to me, I dont get urged to share mine. Not that I am someone with the deepest darkest secrets buried in me. But whatever is in, is in. I dont seem to like the idea of it going out.

My colleague asks sometimes if I am one of those wont-express-emotions types. Maybe I am. Except sheer joy, I dont prefer exposing any other emotion. My face wont help all the time. If I dont like something, the eyes shrink, the smile fades, the whole demeanour dulls. If I do, the cheeks bounce up and down, the hands fly high and I go on a galloping ride. I dont have control over that. But otherwise, I think I am quite a personal person – meaning I am quite possessive about my personal stuff. I dont like sharing those with anyone else. I even enjoy the secrecy of it all. It is a private joke, or a private worry only I can have. No one else. I sound like it is some kind of sought-after treasure.

Oh well when you see the length of the post growing larger every second, and the scroll bar comes alive, you know it is time to switch off your outpour. So searching for the stop button in my mind’s keyboard, and leaving quite abruptly. That’s nice too.

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20 Comments »

  1. ha! finally the wait is over, i almost used 2 check yur blog daily.. I remember telling yu long back about yu being judgmental. People dont always think a 1000 times before they do or say when they are comfortable with yu,I dont. yu may have points of differences with others but that doesn’t put yu out from their “liked” list. Coming to me, yu know we are different when it comes to certain random things, maybe due to maturity levels, ideals, or other things, but that difference has never been a reason for me 2 b distant. Infact I love yu the way yu are… Totally crissie!!!

    Loved the flow of the article… Keep them coming. Waiting for more.

    Comment by Akshaya — October 1, 2010 @ 02:12 | Reply

  2. Akshaya: Thanks hon. I dont prefer being ‘judgemental’. But I think every person does it unconsciously. We tend to like some people and dislike some others soon after knowing them. That is what I meant to say.

    Comment by Cris — October 1, 2010 @ 22:04 | Reply

  3. We are perfect siblings! πŸ˜› How ever deep the friendship may be, there are stuffs we need to keep inside ourselves!

    Comment by Srijith.V — October 1, 2010 @ 23:51 | Reply

    • Ditto Bro! Exactumundo!

      Comment by Cris — October 2, 2010 @ 00:01 | Reply

  4. Come on… how can somebody not like you πŸ˜‰
    I have noticed that we don’t make very many close friends once we become adults. I have lots of friends but friends from my school & college days are still the closest.

    Comment by Pradeep — October 2, 2010 @ 09:30 | Reply

    • Pradeep: yes, I wonder if that is how it works for everyone. It’s sad. Not making new friends — close ones that is — once you grow up. Are we that hostile? Or prejudiced? Or too conditioned?

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:33 | Reply

  5. As we get older,we realize it is difficult to make new friendships.We come across and interact with many at work place or elsewhere,but they don’t become close friends.When we sit back and think,lasting friendships would have evolved during college days. Often, people enter in to relationships out of situations. When the situation changes,or you move out of that place, it ends there. For me,my few friends were more close and intimate than my own relatives.
    One cannot be the same always. Our emotions and environment reflects onto our responses. It is natural.Don’t be concerned. “There is a time for every thing under the sun”.

    Comment by dr.antony — October 2, 2010 @ 23:23 | Reply

    • @Dr. Antony: I believe you are right. People are forgotten about once they are out of sight. But I cant help being concerned that nothing lasts forever.

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:34 | Reply

  6. hmm can relate to almost everything u have written. I also used to wonder what happened to me as in school n college n even in the earlier projs I worked, ppl used to refer to me as an ever smiling friendly person. I do have lot of friends there. But now a days things seem to be lil different. I hardly mingle with ppl freely and have very limited “new close “friends. May be signs of aging πŸ˜›

    Comment by Dhanya — October 3, 2010 @ 21:50 | Reply

    • @Dan: That’s what I think too! One more reason to hate the process of aging! Groan who invented it!

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:35 | Reply

  7. You’re one nutter for sure. Which is why, probably, you have a real vibe, and its easy for people to like you. And why share secrets if you anyways have a few here and there to share them with? Go kick up your heels, have some fun. You’re growing younger by the minute, and we have a common aim (remember the hot putsuit of TDHs? ;P). So dont contemplate you silly goose!

    Comment by Rasika — October 5, 2010 @ 23:10 | Reply

    • @Rasi: Hehe I will take that as a sound advice from a fellow nutter :-). Thanks girl. (What’s TDH? Jaba?)

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:37 | Reply

  8. Good writing Cris! Smooth flow of simple words.

    (Not commenting on the content of the article :D)

    Comment by Anand — October 16, 2010 @ 21:53 | Reply

    • @Anand: Thank ye πŸ™‚ [will get it out from you later!]

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:43 | Reply

  9. “I am quite possessive about my personal stuff”
    “I even enjoy the secrecy of it all.”
    I understand these very well. I have often wondered why I feel so possessive about things that don’t even matter.

    Interesting blog. Came over from your comment to my post at trivandrumlife.com

    Comment by Jean / Jeena R Papaadi — October 27, 2010 @ 12:10 | Reply

    • @Jean: Thanks :-). You wrote that post very well. Will be visiting your blog.

      Comment by Cris — November 2, 2010 @ 15:44 | Reply

  10. Nice bunch of thoughts, Supported by a innovative writing style.. nice subject with a title so wonderful..

    “Say at the first meeting. I judge too..” We all measure people at first meeting and by our folly ,every other time we meet them, we expect them to fit in their old first time measurements. we forgets that change is what keeps this world alive.

    “It is a private joke, or a private worry…” There is always a secret irritation about a laugh in which we cannot join and about Worries which cannot console..

    “Detached” I wish I could detach myself from this world ateast for a few moments, detached with no worries, no concerns, no dislikes, no tears, no worries and no sadness, levitate myself in the air… detached from the earth beneath, detached from the sky above.. detached from the east west north and south… to truly enjoy the lightness of being…

    Comment by Javed Miandad — November 17, 2010 @ 23:46 | Reply

  11. When you were small, you hardly judged people; even if you did, that was in an immature, silly way. Now, you judge, pry, poke and find out so many things about a person, that you start disliking him. When small, fights happen; you still get back to your friends, there’s no ego. Now, you can hardly ever forget and forgive.
    There’s no mystery here. As you grow up, the filtering sieves in you grow smaller.

    Comment by Elsewhere — December 29, 2010 @ 14:36 | Reply

    • @Elsewhere, I wish it was that easy. But the forget part of the forgive-and-forget is something I could never practise, even as a child. And so the injuries remain as fresh. Judging however is momentary. You always form an impression, but it as easily changeable as eating butter (err I love butter).

      Comment by Cris — January 2, 2011 @ 04:02 | Reply

      • I think you said this: “I judge too, – though not consciously – and form impressions, that become hard to change later.”

        Comment by Elsewhere — January 3, 2011 @ 09:07


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