Story of a lost journalist

December 18, 2008

About divorces

Filed under: life,My Musing Moments — Cris @ 09:53
Tags: ,

Hmm this should be hard. But I have wanted to write about it for sometime. To put it in one question – Is it a wrong act? 

A generation back, divorce must have been the last thing thought of when a marriage fails and unless dire scenarios came up, people chose to stick with the marriage. There might have been exceptions. But today, divorces are not that rare and doesn’t always tell the story of “another man or woman”, or a lunatic-spouse deal. A divorced couple may give the reason “cause we didn’t get along well” or “it just didn’t work out, there was no love” 

But was it as easy as that? No, no and no. Divorce is still heard of as a condemned word. “Divorce? Are you crazy? No way am I letting you. You are living with him/her no matter what” – the typical responses of a parent/a relative/friends. 

Agreed, marriage calls for a lot of adjustments and understanding – you cant expect two different individuals to agree upon every deal on earth. But that’s not what I am talking about. When a marriage goes to a level where you find yourself unhappy all day and night long, when you realize beyond doubt you can never work it out –what was the point in clinging on? Why was it so important that you had to stick with the person till end of life no matter what? Wasn’t marriage all about making your life happier by spending it with someone you love and care about? When that love and care is not there, why would you choose to ignore it and go on with your lives unhappily? 

Cause divorce was still “evil”, unheard of and a shame to kith and kin. People choose to make their own lives unhappy to have the world around them believe they are happy. An idea that always goes above my head. 

The argument against this was that young people didn’t really need a reason anymore to divorce, they separate for the silliest reasons heard of. Why I am against this argument was that – whatever silly reason called it for, would they have gone ahead with the separation if there was love in the marriage? Wouldn’t they be the ones who should hate the idea of a divorce more than anyone else if they still cared for each other? Why was this so hard to understand? It was not the silly fights or reasons that was important – it was their decision – they wouldn’t be able to take it if they didn’t really want it! And they wouldn’t be able to proceed if they didn’t want it! Divorce was not a momentary deal! It gives you months to rethink, to reconsider – if all those months didn’t make them want to come back together, it simply means one thing – there is no love! 

And then of course the most-fought-upon subject – what about kids? “Cant you live together for their sake?”

What do people think about kids who see their parents fight all day and night? Would kids be happy watching that or would they rather have their parents away and happy with each other? There need not be any pretense about this – kids who watch their parents fight each other shut themselves off in rooms and never find happiness at home. They seek comfort in friends and school and in worse cases, bad influences. 

I know a girl who saw a psychiatrist as part of her parents having problems – the first thing the doctor asked her was “do you have an affair?”. The stunned girl said no and wondered why he should ask her this when the problem was with the parents. The doctor explained “Usually kids who face such problems at home end up having boyfriends/girlfriends at a very young age”

I know, no business of his, but well it showed that doctors expect kids to go “in the wrong direction” (since he obviously considered an affair wrong for a 17 year old) when their parents were having trouble with each other. 

I strongly believe that kids would be much happier if parents who fought each other stayed away and still managed to spend enough time with them individually. 

Divorce is not really a hard deal to understand. Cause what reason prompted it was not all that important unless it’s a case of serious misunderstanding – even then if there is love in the marriage, things sort out. But if there is no love, please don’t live frustrated lives forever – you had a choice. If you wanted to avoid divorce, take a lot of care on whom you marry – that’s where your decision really matters. But then humans make mistakes and a mistake may be hard to avoid, but not so hard to correct.

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17 Comments »

  1. ‘Wrong’ is what our society teaches us. What is right in Kerala may be perfectly ok across the border.

    Whats the point of sharing the room, bed and life with a person just to prove a wrong point to the society? It destructs your life, your partner’s life and hardest of all, the kids’ life as well.

    Comment by scorpiogenius — December 18, 2008 @ 15:31 | Reply

  2. First thing; ever since I started following Criski’s blog, I was caught in a web of disbelief. That Criski is thinking and putting her thoughts into words was so obvious but far too incredible, for the dearth of opportunity I have [not] had to engage in thought-provoking conversations with her. Always we would meet and chat about silly and stupid stuffs, make faces with each other, savour the delectable cooking of aunty and invest time in the bubbly spirit. That is what suits us when in company.

    Second thing, I prefer to cling onto my disbelief. That rejection of the obvious.
    No Criski is still the chechi who wants to treat me at Ambrosia and call her old rag doll some stupid name; she is not an avid [thinker] blogger. NOOOOOOOOOO.

    Comment by Vishnu Kuttan — December 19, 2008 @ 11:08 | Reply

  3. Oops I am losing the language. It should have been “make faces at each other”. Any more mistakes, please?

    Comment by Vishnu Kuttan — December 19, 2008 @ 11:10 | Reply

  4. @scorpiogenius, true but some things has to apply to every human the same way. It doesnt make sense why it shouldnt

    @VK, hehe I am glad we keep it that way! I cant imagine having a serious conversation with you kiddo!! And next time its VK’s treat at Amb – Margarita for me :p

    Comment by Cris — December 20, 2008 @ 13:51 | Reply

  5. Yeah Wally. The “what about the kids” argument is the silliest one possible when 2 people are on the verge of divorce. As if having two unhappy dissatisfied parents living together in a meaningless attempt to keep society happy is ever going to be a good thing for a kid.

    In a way, the statistical increase in divorces in India is a good thing (which does not mean the concept of divorce itself is desirable). Because I feel what it indicates is that more couples now have the will to separate than live a condemned life of unhappiness together.

    Comment by Nish — December 20, 2008 @ 18:10 | Reply

  6. When two people cannot get along it is time to move on. Society talks utter nonsense when it forces people to stay together for the sake of children. If that were the case even children who have lost one parent to death should grow up as problem children too. But thats not the case. Children of bickering and unhappily married people are the real one who have more problems. If society treats children of single/divorced parents as normal children, they would also grow up as normal as possible.
    Yes, mariage does call for adjustment. But when it fails it is not necessary to drag it on minus love and joy. It is better for all concerned to just put an end to the relationship. People proudly tout figures to show how divoirce is very less in India. Oh yeah the number of divorces is less. And we have plenty of zombie marriages too, where people just go through the motions to satisfy parents/society. In which category do they put these zombie-marriages I wonder??
    Ooops is it a long comment??

    Comment by shail — December 20, 2008 @ 19:18 | Reply

  7. @Nish, it should be so hard for them still – the divorcees I mean – with no support or understanding from anywhere!

    @shail, Zombie marriages? Now thats an apt word! Its a perfect comment! You spoke my mind! Thanks for dropping by!

    Comment by Cris — December 20, 2008 @ 22:58 | Reply

  8. Hmm agreed that when the differences are irreconcilable, it’s better to part ways. But there are cases where the seemingly irreconcilable diffrences are not so irreconcilable (phew thats a tough workd to type twice) afterall.
    Have known couples that have come back from the brink of separation to rediscover their relationships and live on happily.

    Comment by nithin — December 27, 2008 @ 17:29 | Reply

  9. @nithin, hmm I dont know. I have a feeling that the “seemingly irreconcilable” becomes seemingly irreconcilable when you dont even love a person enough to know that its not so irreconcilable. My point is “only small things are enough for couples today to file divorce” doesnt make sense because small or big would not have brought the need to separate if they wanted to be with each other. And divorce is not the end of the world. If at one point they want to come back together, no one is stopping them. Thats why divorce is an easy thing to deal with, you are not signing off anything – unlike marriage (divorce does not give you the license to jump into a marriage any second, its only a solution in case your well-thought decision still ended in a wrong marriage)

    Comment by Cris — December 30, 2008 @ 14:15 | Reply

  10. Good Post. Most important thing is to be very sure of your need to get married to Mr X or Ms Y. If not sure wait. Marriages are sometimes hot and sometimes cold.Dont jump for divorce during the Cold time.Many especially newly weds do it.If it is ice cold for a long time go ahead for divorce. In zombie marriages Kids may not suffer as the Parents may be careful not to show it.I have a strong feeling that all who commented in this ost are unmarried.Is it true?

    Comment by Charakan — December 31, 2008 @ 01:17 | Reply

  11. @Charakan, no actually. Nish is married :-). Not sure about all though.

    Comment by Cris — January 2, 2009 @ 21:57 | Reply

  12. […] easy is it to undergo a divorce? Posted on January 5, 2009 by Nimmy A few days ago,my dearo Cris had written a great post on “About Divorces”.I felt touched by her words,but I am not sure if I […]

    Pingback by How easy is it to undergo a divorce? « Nimmy’s Experiment with Blogging — January 5, 2009 @ 12:56 | Reply

  13. Cris,pls visit my space..and do comment..

    http://nimis540.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/divorce-india-effects-social-stigma-women/

    Comment by Nimmy — January 5, 2009 @ 12:57 | Reply

  14. I understand all you say in principle but wouldn’t a mom think a 100 times of staying in a dead relationship if she has to fight a custody battle. If you have 2 kids would a parent not be terrified of losing the custody battle totally and even worse having to divide the children? Freedom, peace of mind all are wonderful feelings but would you really have it if the reasons for divorce aren’t all that hard hitting like physical abuse or dowry torture but just “We dont love each other anymore”. This is just an another thought process that makes decision making lot more difficult, I think when you have kids.

    Comment by Sunita — January 8, 2009 @ 14:58 | Reply

  15. @Nimmy, sorry dear, yet to visit. Will come!

    @Sunita, I have to disagree with all that you say. Its infact staying in a dead relationship and insisting the kids to do that too, that appears good in principle. Its not in real life. True, you wouldnt want to lose your children to the other parent or split them apart. But trust me when I say this, you are doing no favour to the child by insisting to stay in a failed marriage! Ask any child who has seen thier parents fighting and not ready to talk to each other, or parents who stay together for the sake of retaining the marriage and the kids! Its no fun for them! I know!
    And “We dont love each other anymore” doesnt qualify as reason enough for you? At the risk of repeating myself I say again – the reasons are not important, its the end feeling. For if even silly reasons can make you hate your marriage, there is no love in it! and its not the end of the world like people are made to think! There is always a choice to reunite if they rediscover the love!

    Comment by Cris — January 8, 2009 @ 15:49 | Reply

  16. im so with u on this, cris, and hey happy new year my darlin’. 🙂

    Comment by roop — January 20, 2009 @ 11:15 | Reply

  17. @roop, thanks dear! I am lagging behind – hope to visit your blog soon!

    Comment by Cris — February 3, 2009 @ 23:10 | Reply


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