Story of a lost journalist

October 5, 2008

Old injuries die slow

Filed under: life,Personal — Cris @ 04:38
Tags: ,

I heard somewhere recently that it was hard to forget old injuries, of the mind. I find that absolutely true in my case, not that I think its anything appreciable. I wanted to be someone who’d harbor no feelings against the cause of injury – people. Why I write this today is cause I think I have crossed that stage, but then again I am not entirely sure after a fresh new wound.

Quoting an instance. There came one day when I had to do an editorial, and finish it in an hour. Though I made it a point to write every nonsensical thought till date, it never occurred to me to read or write an editorial before that. And this was a senior authority asking. I somehow felt desperate for help. I knocked at a few doors, one being of someone I knew or thought I could barge into. Everyone was turning me down, they were all caught up with something. I ran through mind scenes from the past I had gone out of my way to help out the turn-down-ers.

But the big blow came when the one I thought I could barge into shut the door at my face. She was busy preparing for something she had to attend a few days later. Besides “she was done with editorials, no more will she deal with it in any way”. Click. End of conversation. Tears blurred my vision as the scene that crossed mind was from the previous day when precious long minutes of tight work schedule was kept off for the same friend, and ending up staying late night to finish.

I was uncontrollably distressed. Called a friend far away who knew not to write an editorial but who heard tears coming out of the receiver and wondered why the seemingly bold girl she always knew broke down on a matter as naïve as that. I didn’t know why either. But it was not the editorial that caused it. It was the realization for a short while that when a crisis (however big or small it was) came to you, you were alone. I felt helplessly alone for a few minutes; that every hand I tried to reach out from a pit I was falling into refused to grab mine. Much later when another friend who was away, came to rescue, I allowed myself to be consoled and deal the matter at hand – finish the editorial. Felt quite happy later when the person I send it to said it was quite good.

I have never tried editorials after that! But like I say that was not the issue, the letting down was. The friend in question had knocked my door several times after that, and I had always opened it despite devil Cris asking me to close my ears and pretend not to hear it. I am not trying to be an angel here, cause I have almost always kept away from people I didn’t want to be with, for my own selfish reasons. I liked this friend, and when she called for help I went out cause of that. But in the end I somehow end up feeling the taste of that old slammed door, old injuries certainly die slow. And to add to it, today, I have got another taste – not exactly a slam door but one that said – when it came to the good stuff, I was just not good enough. It hurt a lot more than it should.

I have no idea why its always the silliest deeds that sometimes hurt you without any limits. For I know that if I retold these tales to someone, the response should be none else than “Is that all?”

Strange. But there, that’s how it works, my mind. No predicting when it jumps up with joy and no saying when it shuts down forever in misery. It’s really a dumb thing you know, your mind is.

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5 Comments »

  1. What happens within the contours of the mind are strange and beyond comprehension. Usually ! But it also means that what is ‘beyond comprehension’ drives us to do the things we do or dont do !

    I guess it would be a good idea to look at what is possible with whatever we know ! And that will be a great place to start !

    Well written !

    Comment by Kavi — October 5, 2008 @ 10:00 | Reply

  2. Life is a sine wave, its never like a straight line. Its too short with range just -1 to 1. The -(minus) are your bitter exp (like above) and + are the moments/memories which make you happy. Stay always in the first quadrant (on top of all) pingu, life is too short to bother about all this :P.

    Comment by Mr.Misunderstood — October 6, 2008 @ 04:12 | Reply

  3. “when tough times come, we always find ourselves all alone”
    -that’s something I so agree with.
    but its always been folks who’ve helped me tread through tough times, though indirectly.

    on another thought, there’s another way of looking at ‘going out of your way to help people’.. what I do is to go ahead and do it if “i” feel happy doing it.. at times when I feel like someone’s more or less pushing me into it, I let the angel in me hibernate for a while, and say a big NO.

    sheesh.. i dunno if I’m making any sense here.. but yeah, the mind is not always too reasonable. sometimes, we cant do anything other than leave it to let it take its toll on us with it’s whims.

    Comment by usha — October 6, 2008 @ 15:54 | Reply

  4. Yes–its happened to me too. And its been a big jolt and a big learning process too. And Help has come from unexpected quarters while ‘friends’ said a no.

    Comment by Ps — October 6, 2008 @ 16:39 | Reply

  5. @Kavi, thank you, what we do know would be a good place to start – but problem is we may not be happy with what we know and we cant change that.

    @Mr.Understood, leave it to you to bring Math into it! But that was pretty sound advice. Reminds me of this plan ahead graph of Stephen Covey’s I saw in another blog.

    @usha, you made absolute sense dear. I think thats the best approach – if you dont feel comfortable doing a favour, there is no point doing it (I dont mean the selfish idiots who wouldnt bother with anything except when its them that needs help)

    @Ps, unexpected help is always quite a happy surprise, and unexpected nos are really painful

    Comment by Cris — October 8, 2008 @ 00:15 | Reply


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