Story of a lost journalist

June 27, 2008

Is intimacy always 2-sided? Starring Arco and Barco

Filed under: life,My Musing Moments — Cris @ 22:51
Tags: , ,

Should intimacy always be a 2-sided affair? One question I have been debating with myself for ages. One part of me feels how much the other person contributes doesn’t alter the way you feel about them. Another part of me refuses to believe that.

So if 2 people, say Arco and Barco (yup I have a reputation for coining intelligent names!) were thick friends once and at some point of time if Arco just drifts off, what happens? Does Barco lose all the intimacy he had for Arco?
The thing is, Arco won’t disappear one fine morning. People drifting away from each other, is a gradual process. Of course there are always those few you feel you just parted with yesterday, even if it were for years.

When I say losing intimacy, I don’t mean not seeing each other when you couldn’t. I mean not seeing each other when you could and wouldn’t. Why? Cause you are just forgotten about. Your face is just lost in all those past memories, shut deep down or thrown out of mind.

So Arco was one of those chaps who could and wouldn’t. Why? Cause he was never intimate enough is my answer.
People confuse companionship for friendship. Some one who you spend a lot of time with doesn’t become your friend unless you want to spend time with them. You find time to spend with a friend; you find a companion to kill time. A friend is a want, a companion is a need. These people are all those Arcos who only need to find another place and another such “friend” to forget about the Barcos of this world.

So coming back to the original question. How does Barco feel about all this? I can argue both ways. To make Barco angelic, I could say he would always be the loyal Antonio who’d cut his own flesh to save his friend (Ref Shakespeare: Merchant of Venice). But I could also say its natural Barco doesn’t feel the same way about Arco after a while.

It’s a question I have never been able to find an answer to. My own personal experiences do not teach me anything. Cause just when I feel I wont feel big about someone who doesn’t care for me, all I need is a little something from the Arco side and I am all back in, all Antonioish (This better be left figuratively! I will not encourage any flesh demands!). And then again, I find myself totally forgetting an Arco who I thought was so important to me once up on a time. For all you know I might just be another Arco passing off for a Barco!

So people what do you think? Barco is Antonio or Barco is just another Arco in the long run?


  1. well well! human relationships are complex and each person is different is his/her way in trying to keep friendships and relationships alive! i guess cannot be generalized!

    Comment by sajith — June 27, 2008 @ 23:04 | Reply

  2. Wowow, now you are in my territory. I thought this blog was all about humor and fun stuff. This is hard core philosophy domain, mademoiselle :-). I don’t have enough information to generalize yet, but my theory is that true friendship would be one sided and purely selfish, i.e. somebody would be my friend not because of what he/she does for me or is expected to do for me but because of myself. According to this theory true friendship is purely selfish – i.e. it would not change, no matter what the other person does and I chose him/her to be my friend because I chose him/her for my sake and that person would remain my friend because I like it that way. This is kind of similar to the Christian principle of Godly love – where God loved people irrespective what they did but for his own sake. So the selfish I mentioned above is more like the selflessness that we are used to thinking in everyday life.

    The theory might sound a bit impractical out-of-the-world-ish because most people expect their friends to do or act in some way they desire. For example, people expect their friends to call them, visit them, keep in touch with them. So there is a give and take relationship. That is more like business isn’t? You give some thing and you get something.

    Comment by Minking Than — June 27, 2008 @ 23:25 | Reply

  3. Wow! I like such topics 
    No generalizations here…But this is what I feel… Companionship might (not always) bloom into friendship with time. Intimacy is somehow inextricably linked to this process, scaling from null to infinity. It is easier to drift apart and be an Arco when the scale is closer to null (for both parties). Path to friendship is 2 sided in most cases. But once you become very intimate I guess it doesn’t want anything to keep going. It becomes one sided. But the loop hole here is the scale isn’t always progressive. (Neither is it always dipping. It can move in any direction. It can be constant too!)
    Well maybe Barco is just another Arco- with an extra B in front when that scale beeps at infinity.

    Comment by rose — June 28, 2008 @ 03:48 | Reply

  4. @Sajith, yes I was just stating how each person is different in that some do not bother about relationships, forget keeping them alive!

    @Minking Than, I was reminded of Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead reading that. After that I somehow felt all that I thought selfless was infact selfish! There is a point in what you say, but feeling the same when there is no encouragement even if its because you like it that way, takes some greatness. And about demanding contact or calls, that somehow comes with the freedom you have with your friends; cause you dont need to think twice before demanding; like your Mom calls you up and fires you when you dont call her for hours after going somewhere, forget days!

    @rose, hold on let me get my dictionary. Mmm true you dont know if you like someone until you first hang out with them. What I mean is there are plenty who call people friends when what they really mean is people they have to spend time with, cause they need someone to spend time with. Not cause they want it. In that case there is no scale at all. And yeah about intimacy, that seems like a logical explanation. Thanks Ros!

    Comment by Cris — June 28, 2008 @ 11:21 | Reply

  5. […] friendship question. The one before was on 2-sided intensity.This one on wavelength. Simple, one probably argued over the years. Do intellectuals only hang out […]

    Pingback by Cris’s World » Same wavelength in friendship a must? Naaaa — July 5, 2008 @ 22:45 | Reply

  6. @Minking, you are odd one out! Jus’ kidding, but if its true what you say, then you belong to a rare clan of humans 🙂

    @Cris, I’d say, that yeah – friendship is two-sided for majority of human psyches. Reciprocity is key for majority, and if one side starts drifting away, friendship slowly drifts back into acquaintance, and in certain cases even hate, depending on the psychology of who is at the receiving end of the drift.

    Comment by Reia Organa — July 6, 2008 @ 21:17 | Reply

  7. @Reia – No no – that was my theory. I used ‘me’ to explain my theory. But as a matter fact I am trying to see if I can build that kind of friendship with at least a few people. I don’t think I have succeeded in doing that completely. I still expect my friends to call me when they visit town – call me so that we can meet, which is again another expectation. Oh and by the way, the name is “Minking Than” and not just “Minking”. It is a spoonerism trick 🙂

    Comment by Minking Than — July 6, 2008 @ 23:02 | Reply

  8. @Reia Organa (alter egos sure are hard to spell), thats a fresh point, about hate I mean. Makes sense. Time the biggest healer healing hatred, and insignificant friendships in the process!

    @Minking Than, all the best!

    Comment by Cris — July 7, 2008 @ 11:13 | Reply

  9. The friendship as I understand, is where the words I & my Should end. In friendship there is no I or My. If you feel any difference in my friendship that is because, I never am concerned about myself as a friend. My moods, My situations, My likes and dislikes dosent matter when My friend needs me, I wont pretend, I will share my feeling with him but always the priority will be for him.

    Comment by Javed Miandad — February 21, 2012 @ 04:53 | Reply

    • Wow wow the usually modest Javed is at last voluntarily coming out with merits of his friendship :-). Declarations of love and friendship – that I will do this and that for them – are good I guess. I have also come across subtle fellows who’d never express but wud die for you. Expressions vary I guess.

      Comment by Cris — February 21, 2012 @ 11:56 | Reply

      • Ouch!!

        “Declarations of love and friendship – that I will do this and that for them – are good I guess.” I understand that it was foolish of me to have written about what I honestly feel about my way of friendship.

        “I have also come across subtle fellows who’d never express but wud die for you’ I believed in living selflessly for someother’s dream realisation, but from your words I think I should understand , just to die for someone is much harder.

        But It was kind of you to have pointed out my Mistake, Thankyou.

        You are the Best 🙂

        Comment by Javed Miandad — February 24, 2012 @ 04:12

  10. Dont Take The above comment reply as a Joke or teaser, I am Stupid at times if not always.. 🙂

    ‘usually modest Javed ‘ I liked the usage 🙂

    Declaration of Friendship: An angel told me about my friendship, she gave me the confidance in my way of friendship.
    Declaration of Love:The stupid me Fell in love with that Angel. and I named her ‘J Lo’ . It is unfortunate that If ever I open my mouth, My J Lo got hurt., it was not the fault with J Lo it is all the Fault with me. in this situation if I dont have to hurt her, I will have to leave her.

    I did it…

    I miss her so much..The pain of Missing Grows day by day, so do my love to her..

    She is a real Angel, my angel without wings and Halo…

    I Love her always, She is the Best person I have ever met., oopsss I commented above ‘you are the Best’ .

    I would like to correct, You are the second best after my J Lo.

    I am always with her with my heart, just a heart beat away..

    It may look Immodest of Me to have said that, but every word is true to my heart.

    But I hope you will keep this secret 😛

    You Owe me a smile, 🙂

    Comment by Javed Miandad — February 24, 2012 @ 08:06 | Reply

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