‘But I am a girl’

The other day, I was telling my friends about moving to another city. Somewhere in the conversation, we mentioned about another friend of ours in Bombay who went there recently. And at one point I said: “But I am not like him.”
“Why” they asked.
I said: “Cause he can stay anywhere.”
“Why cant you do that?” they asked again.
“I am a girl. I could be kidnapped!”
And one of my friends said: “Ahhh finally. I am so happy and relieved to hear you say that (nee ithu paranju ketathil enikku santhoshavum samadanavum thonnunnu).”
I retorted: “But you should be sad.”

Shouldn’t they be? What is the good thing about a girl not being able to enjoy the same peace of mind as a boy? (or about a girl letting herself think so?)

My friend said this because he, like many others, considers me an utter core feminist, who wouldn’t say one word that might make a girl sound helpless. And I immediately hated myself for saying the ultimate line “but I am a girl”.

I realize it is not about what you say, but do. And I never never have to prove to anyone “how mighty and self-dependant a girl is”. No.

But somewhere along the line, it becomes a matter of conviction. Again, not words, but action could do it. Because, belief does not come without conviction, neither does acceptance.

So who needs belief, who needs acceptance? “You be your own self, and let the rest of the world go to hell”

If you think one way, what is wrong in voicing it aloud? Why do you have to speak carefully so you fit the image you want to project? As much as I’d like to say otherwise, I cant help saying this – yes you have to be careful. Not to fit an image. But there is something about conviction I place importance on. You cant convince everyone, agreed. But when or if at least one person hopes for a difference, because they look up to someone, because they see someone doing what they wish to see, you cant let them down.

It is not about being the brave one who suppresses. No. It is about the need to be all that you believe in, happen through you. And you become the smallest little negligible speck of light that finally fell upon the world. It is big, in a small way.

The lines are meaningless I know. Isn’t it funny that you find it most difficult to express what you feel most strongly about? No wonder all proposals end up messed-up tongue-tied affairs!

PS: I used the g-word (girl). But I am no young thing . It just seemed the right word, and the one used at the time. Us oldies have a habit of still sticking to the g-word. Cheers.

Jeans and T-Shirt – what’s the big deal?

There is a 2-minute walk from my house to the nearest auto rickshaw stand. Couple of days ago, I was on my way to catch an auto. There is an empty hall-cum-library on the way and men sometimes gather around on the ground outside. On this occasion there were around four or five young men talking aloud. I was wearing jeans and t-shirt and my trademark hat.

As I passed them, the men started hooting and shouting. One of them said: “Dei ninakonnum ammem penganmaarum ille?” (Don’t you have a mother and sisters?)
I’m sure this was not from any concern. Only to start a dialogue of some sort. Another replied: “Athinu ithu pennano? Ithu charakkalle?” (Is this a girl? Isn’t she a commodity?)
Lots of laughter.

My usual response to “commentadi” is pretending not to have heard anything. Ignore it completely. Am afraid, accustomed to my usual ways, I did the same here. Just walked past them, didn’t glance, didn’t stop, acted like I didn’t even know they existed. This was not a planned reaction. Just the usual.

Now I regret. I don’t mind subtle “commentadi”. It is natural that men and women may appraise each other on the streets, on the roads, etc. but when it comes out as an insulting comment, deliberately made to hurt the subject, or provoke her, things change.

From experience and from guy friends I have understood that the only way to stop such behaviour is by reacting to it. If you just ignore it, they may believe that you don’t mind, or even that you enjoy it. Be it a turn of your head or a stare or words, you need to react. It is only after taking my auto that I realized how offensive the comments were. And they were standing at a distance from me, so had to say it really aloud for it to reach me.

What would be the intention behind such comments? What pleasure do they get out of it? I don’t understand.

Few days ago, there was a discussion on a google group I am a member of – about a news article on a Malayalam daily. It was about a girl getting into a tussle with an older man who it seems criticized her for her choice of clothes (jeans and tshirt again). During a bus trip the man sat near the girl, who was in her early twenties, and told her he disapproved of what she wore, and to dress properly. She said something back. The article says that this man touched her after she told him not to and she slapped him. She beat him more after he got down from the bus. Half the people in the bus were with the girl, and the other with the man. The girl was arrested for assaulting the man.

In the course of the discussion, several viewpoints came out – one being the all-too-familiar ‘fault of the girl in choosing to wear a provocative dress’. I find this reaction too lowly to even respond to it. It just isn’t worth it. And there is absolutely no use trying to talk sense into such people. They will not change their mind no matter what, unless probably something of this sort happens to their own kith and kin.

I thought Trivandrum was mature enough to confront a pair of jeans and a t-shirt! But looks like we are a long way away. And I might add here, all the guys near my house were in some sort of jeans-t-shirt wear. Maybe they drool over their own ‘commodity selves’ every morning in front of the mirror.

On the move

Moving is a funny thing. You think there is nothing more dull and mechanical than packing and moving a pile of your stuff. But if you do the packing yourself, and you are one of those sentimental types who keeps memories from yesteryears locked in shelves, then you are in for it – one of those really long memory rides that each letter or memoir or photo brings… who says there is no time machine. Your mind is the best time machine ever. It takes you to places, faces and times you completely forgot about. “Wow did I really do that… oh yes it was on that day…”

You literally relive those moments and you experience the emotion you did all those years ago. Whether it be happiness or gloom or hurt or excitement – you feel it like it just happened. And then you are left feeling really miserable. That’s when your time machine brings you back. You are sad the moment is long gone by. You are sad you are not that age anymore. You are not in that place and not with those people and not doing or feeling what you used to. You miss it. Funny thing is you had not thought about it all this while. And that’s when you realize with a pang – you grew up.

I have always thought that I was more or less the same for at least 10 years. But now I know I have changed – can’t say if it’s for the better or for the worse. When I see the letters I wrote, the diaries I penned, the way I thought… oh boy whatever happened to me in all these years. Even my handwriting was so different back in school. Sheesh what a horrible handwriting – my poor teachers. Now I write like a KG student in big round letters. Maturity shows in strange ways sometimes.

I somehow felt a yearning to go back to being the old me. But I want to keep some part of what I am now. Well the easier practical way would be to change now. And that’s where the problem is. I can’t.

Do people keep changing all their life? Or is there some saturation point? I have a feeling I have reached my SP. I mean what more can change? Looks of course will. I am expecting a good number of gray hairs by age 30 and a few wrinkles by 40. Hope to remain more or less slim throughout. But looks apart, can the character graph deviate any further? Can attitude? Can opinions? One hears of old people not ready to put away their prejudices cause their thoughts and faiths go too deep. Your thoughts grow deeper with you. When you are young, you keep taking it up and polishing it. But later you just let it rust or fix it so tight that you cant as much as touch it.

People are not what they used to be to you. You are not what you used to be to them…

And the thought processes. The most number of advices I have given is to my friend Gov. He knows them all so well he would finish my lines. “I tell you Gov, when a girl is 18….,” I say and he interrupts – “I know, she is mature and knows everything but a guy takes longer.”

Another favorite dialogue was on love. “Ah what boys feel at this age is nothing but infatuation. When you grow older you feel different. You won’t understand that now.”
I honestly believed that. Most of the thoughts I used to preach were more or less the same I do now. But back then I used logic after hearing stories. Now I use experience.

I still can’t decide when a person actually becomes the person he/she is for the major part of life. I mean when does a person become complete? I don’t mean elements like job, and marriage. I just mean literally – when?

Whoever said dwelling too much in your past is a bad thing? It makes you think, it makes you smile, it makes you emotional, it makes you wonder, it makes you philosophical and more than anything else, it makes you a human.

Theory on relationships

Latest theory formed by the Cris School of Relationships is that everyone who is in a relationship becomes helplessly immature. Study of varied specimen and speciwomen proved that every little thing seems like a volcanic gigantic problem at the time.
Cure: none so far since absence of the above symptom means relationship ceases to exist (or one of them is cheating).

Disclaimer: Theory comes from study/observation of sample pieces and has no direct link to author’s personal life.

Note: The author shall not take any consultations (no bar for consultation/thank-you charges).

Another autorickshaw story

It might look like I have started an autorickshaw story series. Here is another one. Couple of days back I was trapped in a ksrtc (state bus) – no they didn’t lock me inside. There were some protests going on in the city and the major roads were all blocked for hours. So I jumped out cause [ahem] quite unlike me, I was late for my next stop. My plan was to run till the point there was no more traffic jam, grab an auto and go. On the way an auto-wala who first said he wont take me, followed me and took me in. He dropped me at the next bus stop – and dig this – free of cost.

“Ivide ninna mathi pengale, bus kittum” – You wait here sister, you will get your bus.

It was a small distance but who would do anything for free today?? I was not in a position to press him to accept money cause I had just about enough for my next trip. This is a short entry. Its just that I want to remind self and readers here that there are many nice people around us… they do these little nice things but thing is, little nice things are a little big, they have a long life.

Meeting Madhupal

Has been a happening day. I have been part of a team to interview Madhupal (the same person who took Thalappavu). I had already managed to form quite an impression in the calls I made to fix the interview. After he confirmed his availability, I typed to my teammates a grand SMS about the success and brilliantly send it to Madhupal. Another time I had to make a call to him to let him know that there was going to be no payment. This is how the conversation went.

(I shall be hence known as BM – read Brilliant Me)

BM: Err Sir, this is a class assignment and we are students
M: Ok
BM: So err, payment … (brilliantly planned pause hoping he would fill the rest)
M: Payment??? (extra question marks – cue that brilliantly planned scheme failed. Unexpected scenario results in speechlessness)
M: ?
BM: Payment… payment illa (Payment – there will be none)
M: ROFL

There was a final call today to ask his address. He said “Number A-five-zero”. And BM replied “Ok got it. Number A-Anwar”.
I wonder if I was born so brilliant or brilliance grew with age.

The interview was brilliant (cause someone else did the questioning). And Madhupal’s instant answers and strong opinions were proof of his individuality and character. The man earned buckets of respect (I know I know but hey that sounds nice – buckets and respect – both has a t in it) in that half an hour.

Well that’s that and another day gone by. In case you didn’t notice, the keyword here in this entry is – brilliant.

Kapil went, Kumble goes, Dhoni will go

I am not a sports lover. I am not much of a cricket follower. A match on TV on a rare day is all I have to my credit of cricket know-how. So when I read Kumble was retiring, I thought “Guess its about time. Poor Nish wont be taking it good”. Poor Nish is my bro and he has a history of sitting sad over retirements, of people he says are absolutely talented. He did in 1994 when Paaji left the ground. Now is Kumble’s turn.

But when I read about it yesterday, I found myself a tad too sentimental. These lines from The Hindu especially had me slushy for a long while

“I know how hard I had to fight to get this cap and how hard it is to play at the international level. It’s a proud moment to represent a billion people whose expectations keep rising each time you go out there.”

Seems just days ago Kumble, Ganguly, Sachin, Dravid and Jadeja ran around the pitch in their twenties. These guys were around for such a long while I just identified Indian team with their names. And now one by one, they are all going. How I hate that new leaf-old leaf story! But yet these names were the new leaves of 90s, just like an Ishant or an Uthappa is today. There is just no changing that.

Urgent call to all! Help keep our cities clean!

I have found a brand new urge to spread the spirit of keeping our city clean. Enthusiasm comes from watching auto rickshaw drivers take a left and then a right – I don’t mean the road turns, I am talking about their habitual ugh spitting. I have tried a few times to tell them “Chetta (Brother) we shouldn’t do it, we should keep our city clean”, but thought better of it, reminding self of certain barking traits they have shown incredible talent of. Besides its not just the auto rickshaw drivers that are to be blamed. I have seen people who study with me or work with me, do the same. I thought it’d be right to start with them first. Their excuse mostly is: so what do I do when I suddenly need to spit?

Unfortunately there always may not be a bin around the corner to tell them, “go use the use-me”. So this is what you could do. Carry a tissue paper. Its not a bad thing at all. If you could do it when you are abroad you could do it here as well. Actually you should keep them in plenty, so you wont have any reason to use the whole public road as your little washbasin. Spit on it, and keep the tissue papers with you, in a bag or a cover or wherever you can find some space in your personal being, and drop it at the next bin you see. There’s nothing more easily possible. Give it a shot.

Another often-dropped object is a chewing gum. I use chewing gums and I use them mostly on my way to some place (for fresh breath). I always take an extra piece of paper with me first before taking a chewing gum. Once you are done refreshing your breath, get your gum on the paper and keep it with you; I normally keep in my bag. On seeing a trash can, dump it there.

If your, ahem, emissions can be solved this way, there is no question about other wasteful deposits. They could wait to see a bin, and if you are not yet aware, you get huge black colored packets that could hold a humungous amount of waste. Those are meant for us people. Its quite cheap actually, you get plenty of ‘em for a small amount of money. And use it to cover the inside of your waste baskets so when it’s full you can wrap it up, take it and drop it in your nearest bin – its easier than you think.

Ok those are the main areas. I cant think of more immediate problems. If you think there is any, let me know. Les try and solve them together and keep our city clean. Actually the message is to keep wherever we are, clean, your city or mine is not the question.

Orkut community meet

I actually went for an orkut community meet today. Why the actually-part needs stress is because like one of the people there pointed out, I usually have a face covered pic in my profile – so going public was not really my thing.
Anyway, this entry is to do an official report of the meeting. So here goes.

I landed late with my friend, who had to be tucked into the community a few minutes prior to the meeting. Five of them were there already. A couple of them I already knew and seeing them after years of scrapping was a huge joy – Sreejith and Vids. Three others were Sajith, Vivek and Sambath. And then there was my friend, Drisya.

First task was finding free chairs. This we did with all grace. You should have seen me in action, I was a hero when it came to finding chairs. Sitting down, 2 of the community moderators, Sreejith and Vids took orders and brought the food – again in all grace. I could have sworn Vids was born to be a waitress. She wouldn’t agree though.

Ok a meeting essentially calls for talking. So that we did. Self introduction came first, and I was introduced as the sis of Nish. I realized being a community owner’s sis came with its own price. Well actually, not much. No one recognized me, and my friend asked “Hey you told me everyone knew you”. She has a problem of taking things too literally.

Sajith and Vivek were dueling now and then – I didn’t exactly catch up on that. Sambath, was my competitor in bagging the quietest person award and he got it. Wise kid.
Vids suggested giant wheels and I mistook them for ship-rides (why it was a dumb thing to say was cause ships don’t exactly ride next to giant wheels, in an exhibition ground. Well not yet). These things happen you know. So Vids gave me a valuable piece of advice – “Cris its ok to think these things, but you don’t speak them”. I believe her, that kid seemed to know these things.

Now that I come to think of it, I cant remember many cracks from Sreejith, hmm I wonder what he was doing. My guess is eating cause I remember noticing that the pazhamporees (banana fries) were not there anymore.

Few talks later, the moderators took a second round of orders. Few more talks where Drisya introduced a concept of second round of self introduction later we headed for Kanakakunnu. As part of Onam, they had a number of rides running there. Vids came up with err some kind of a circular ride. Seemed harmless. But harm came when we went in cause it stopped circling. So for that money, we were taken to giant wheel. Gulp, gulp and gulp. But it was better than I thought. I managed to live. With just a few yells. All 7 of us.

Sajith, Vivek and Sreejith did a few clicks now and then, I have no idea of what.

At 5, friend and I had to run off. So I don’t know what happened after that. So report officially ends here.
Afterword: Absolutely loved it. Would have loved to stay more too. Maybe more gulpy rides together. Think I wont have many qualms about attending the grand one Sreejith says is coming. But then again, gulp.

Orissa mishap. Completely incomprehensible priorities

I am not a religious person. So whatever I am about to say, is absolutely unbiased. I had a conversation with a friend some time back. He started talking about Orissa. Naturally, from his concerned tone, I was expecting him to talk about the mishaps and the killings there. But what seemed to have bothered him was the “unjust way they chose to convert people to Christianity”. Like I say I am not religious so I have nothing for or against that area. But I definitely was concerned about human lives. And so when human life was at stake, I cannot understand how anyone could be concerned about religious problems.

On one hand there was the problem of religion and on the other hand people were dying. But when I saw my friend was worried about religious conversions more than human loss, and that too the fact that he felt the latter justified because it was a result of the former, was something that really, really got me upset. Why! How can people be so blind? Why their priorities were sorted so, so unreasonably! Why do they forget they are human beings before anything else? That these people who converted or died or killed were all first humans before they were Christians or Hindus or Muslims!

My friend proceeded – “I don’t have a problem if they chose to convert people through just and sound means, like talking about it. But then offering a poor person bread in exchange of his religious conversion was something really wrong.”
I again had nothing for or against it. It was not my area of concern. However I did point out that to that poor person, bread was more important than religion. That religion was something people held in their minds, it didn’t matter how many conversions you went through if your mind was firmly rooted in one line of belief.

As long as we have young people worrying about a religion spreading or eradicating more than humans dying, I really, really do not have much hope for our country or our people. I cant help wishing there was a complete world rebirth and with it, only humans were born and prospered and nothing including religion, caste, creed, race, color or countries that separated one human from another came to being.